God's Last Name is NOT "Dammit"

Have Tongue, Will Talk

2010-10-27T06:17:00.000-07:00

Phew... Long long long time since I've blogged... Infact I'd forgotten the URL of my blog... Attribute this to sheer laziness and no other alien activity... And the reason I'm blogging now is that I have nothing better to do while travelling back home from work; an activity that requires nearly 2 hours of my otherwise 'productive' time. (Read as facebook-ing/orkut-ing/Big Bang Theory-ing/HIMYM-ing etc...)...

(If you've followed some of my previous blogs, I tend to start off in this manner. It is a pure time-wasting, space consuming, getting-into-the-groove, getting-out-of-the-writer's-block activity. My sincere recommendation to all readers who have read upto this point is to kindly skip the above part. If you haven't, well , the joke's on you.)

Well, what I've actually done above is blabbered for a couple of paragraphs without conveying anything significant (not that the part following this piece is of any significant releavance). I've done this through writing; a significant number of people I'm currently in contact with do it, while talking.

I've always wondered how some people manage to incessantly exercise their vocal chords (much to the despair of the other members whose auditory senses have to bear the brunt). I had this eureka moment sitting in a meeting in office, when, 5 people in the meeting expressed the same thought (each trying to outdo the other in terms of decibel levels) in 5 different ways. All they were trying to do was set the agenda for the next meeting.

Ok. I'm not joking. Here's how it was:

7 people (including your's truly) sitting in a meeting room (And here's the clincher. No one knows why we were sitting in the meeting room. Ergo, there is a lot of small talk and cross talk happening). After about 5 mins,

Person 1 (Taking the initiative that has been talked about much in all the pre-MBA group discussion coaching forums): "Ok. So help me understand, what is the purpose behind this meeting. Do we have an agenda?"

Person 2: "I think we are meeting to discuss what we'll discuss in the next meeting"

Person 1 (Before person 2 completes): "I think what we should do is set up an agenda for the next meeting"

Random person(joins in conversation and tries to shout to make himself heard); " See, we are going nowhere. I really believe henceforth, there should be prior communication as to what will be discussed in the meeting"

Person 1 (Shoots down person speaking): "I think we should discuss the action items before we turn up for the next meeting".

The debate continues for about twenty minutes with other parties pitching in with their thoughts at decibel levels that would generally have been heard by members of the canine family.

At the end of twenty minutes, someone realizes that it is time for the next meeting and stands up and shouts: "All right. I think we should adjourn for the day. Let us come up with a basic framework of what we can discuss in these meetings going forward. Thank you everyone".

Me (Sitting in a corner, fiddling with the arm rest of the chair, clearly agitated, mutters to self) - "DUHHHHHH" (There goes half an hour of my Facebook-ing).

The point I'm trying to make here is that people seem to live the philosophy - "Have Tongue, Will Talk", without having any concern or pity for the person at the receiving end. I normally have half a mind to ask people to shut their trap if they have nothing valuable to contribute.

But I guess, there is a section of people who believe otherwise. And a considerably large chunk, at that. So, I guess I have to confine myself to venting my frustrations at the blog levels and be happy about that.

In a totally unrelated topic, I've been reading about some Katy Berry and some hippie getting married in the Ranthambore jungles and that they violated some 11 pm deadlines. I am pissed. Mighty pissed at that. For 2 simple reasons:

1. Why weren't the tigers invited for the wedding. I don't happen to see their names in the list of wedding attendees.

2. Why, of all available places on good ol' earth, did these hippies go to a jungle to get married. What the beep are Kalyan Mantaps/Marriage Halls meant for!!! That being the case, why dont they get the tigers to mate in one of their wedding halls and then be allowed to feast on the honorable guests present. It's got to be quid pro quo.

There. I'm done. Until my next post (God knows when that's going to happen), au revoir.

Wedlock or Deadlock?

2010-05-15T04:54:00.000-07:00

For some, marriages are made in heaven; for others they happen in the chowlatries (kalyan mantaps)... Sad PJ to start with; but that's ok.. Author's privileges rule the roost.. :)

For some, marriage is the most important step / decision / turn / moment of your life.. (for all the corny / mushy mushy types)..

For some, "Marriage andre hallakke beelodu" (A killer quote by a friend).. (Translated: To get married is like falling into a deep bottomless pit)..

I've been reading a lot of fiction these days... hence, thought that it is time to pen a story myself. And this being the marriage season, nothing better than weaving a tale or two on the wedding or let's say, pre-marital woes.

The protagonist / antagonist (depends on how you look at it) could be anyone. For the record, why don't we name him, say, Tudhi.

Let's describe the life of Tudhi - A pot-bellied, pampered, over-fed/paid, Software engineer battling the mid-life crisis. Intestingly, in the Pizza-Maggi generation, Tudhi has developed his pot belly not from cheese, beer or the likes but from the traditional 'tuppa', 'rice' and a staple 'Pulchar diet'. (For the uninitiated, a Pulchar diet is a South Indian Brahmin diet that consists of truckload of rice on which truckloads of Rasam is poured on top of which, ghee is poured generously. The amount of ghee poured would make an Arab Sheik pop his eyebrows in awe).

Coming to Tudhi's other activities, apart from maintaining his cylindrical figure, Tudhi relies on the modes of mass transport, namely the auto-rickshaw. Now, the auto rickshaw could be classified into the mass-transport category plainly on the existence of the word 'mass', a technical loophole which our hero likes to exploit.

Tudhi's friends, are naturally concerned for Tudhi and his future and continuously pester him about his plans of settling down i.e. getting a nice sweet wifey, an IPL team full of kids, and an even fatter belly.

Now, for Tudhi, marriage, is just one of those activities, which can be conveniently brushed aside or more so, like a check box item, which, once done, can be said 'ticked' off the list i.e. yet another banal chore. For him, the most important things are his afternoon siesta, his evening Pulchar dinner and his blissful sleep at night.

Tudhi's parents are equally as concerned as his friends. So, they decide to get Tudhi hitched. After all the horrorscope matching and all that mumbo jumbo, they settle for a nice sweet South Indian chickie, who they invite to their house for a tete a tete with Tudhi.

Here's how the sample conversation goes:

Sweet chickie: So, Tudhi, my folks say that you are a software engineer..that too an architect.. how can a software engineer be an architect? I mean, architects are supposed to design houses and software engineers are supposed to , well, sit on bench.

Tudhi: (giving the chick a condescending look): Ayye, what do you think I say... I have written 25 stacks and 43 patents.

Sweet Chickie: But i thought stacks are made of wood and patents are there in hospitals... How can you write them? Do you use Natraj pencil... Hogli bidi, have you seen the latest movie Houseful a? Akshay Kumar looks hot no... Who is your favorite heroine??

Tudhi (by now almost ready to beat the chickie): Ayyayyo, that is not patient... that is patent... And my favorite actress is Lalita Pawar...

Sweet Chickie : But Lalita Pawar is an actress from my great great great grandfather's era...

(Tudhi hasn't told the chickie that even he is from that era. Only few of his close friends know that, he secretly participated in the First War of Indian Independence. Infact, Tudhi's friends have seen him working from times immemorable but his resume says only 8 years)

Tudhi (quickly changing topic): Tell me something about yourself

Sweet chickie: (By now wondering if she is marrying a guy or a grandpapa): I am an artist.. I like painting, reading, singing etc etc.. I like to hang out with friends.. And I love pani puri..You know that Bhimesh chaats near sheshadripuram, he makes best masala puri...

Tudhi (Uninterested): Hmm.... Can you write wireless printing stack?

Sweet Chickie: (Takes a pen and paper and scribbles on it - Wirless Printing Stack) - There..I have written it. Why are you testing if I know how to write in English?

Tudhi: (Appalled and speechless).

Sweet Chickie (In a last ditch effort): So, I hope you drive... I love sitting behind guys who drive very fast... when the wind starts blowing through my hair, i love it... Which bike do you have - Yamaha or Suzuki?

Tudhi: (Trying to salvage some pride): I once drove Bajaj Chetak scooter...it had a sidecar also... I touched 20 kmph in that (and puffs his chest with pride). These days I drive that bike on the computer game, what is it called, oh yes..Roadrash... Dont worry, when we get married, you drive fast... I will cling on to the babies (and for dear life)..

Sweet Chickie ( Ah..babies ah?? what Babies!!!!) - "Thathappa, namskara" - She touches his feets, seeks his blessing and runs away.

Tudhi : Hmm, ok, no problem. Oota ready na?? I am feeling hungry.. I hope there is Nandini Tuppa at home..

That brings us to the end of this short story revolving around Tudhi and his pre-marital woes.

Whether Tudhi gets a girl of his type, or will he get change into the modern Tudhi with biceps, cooling glass, ripping on a Yamaha bike with gal behind him, is the suspense that one needs to look out. The story never ends... Tudhi will be back... Amen.

Powering Down

2010-05-06T10:09:00.000-07:00

These days I've been pissed more often than not...

Before I left for Mumbai (to do 2 years of TP), I used to be pissed with these faarin return or for that matter metro return bangalooru boys, who'd crib about everything under the sun.

Now after I've returned from Mumbai, I've turned into one those bengalooru boys myself. (For those of you who are fuming right now, Come on, haven't you seen a hypocrite in your entire life). So, technically speaking, I'm supposed to be pissed with myself.

Now since, I am not interested in wasting my time hurling my abuses at myself (and have ample time and vocabulary to abuse others), I shall begin my tirade against the erstwhile KEB currently KPTCL /BESSCOM / I-dont-care-a-damn-about-your-name-till-the-power's-on.

If at all there's anyone who needs to be sent to the electric chair (no pun intended) it's these guys.

Oh, and that's not all. I come across this headline while reading the newspaper - "Unscheduled power cuts from today". Now, my pea-sized brain thinks that by the term 'unscheduled' they mean, some jackass (with a pot belly) powers on the circuitry and switches it off depending on his mood.

I mean, why bother giving power. Candlelights and hand made fans can solve the problem.

Why am I so pissed? 3 times in a row, just when the download status has reached 98%, the power's gone down. 3 times in a row. And all at random times. @#$*&#!*$%#@&$*@^$%

Hallelujah. Praise the Lord.

A forgettable day

2010-03-06T11:54:00.001-08:00

One of the most frustrating days of my life

- Ended up attending something by missing something that I wanted to attend..
- Ended up in a messy fight which was totally uncalled for
- Pissed off for nearly 2 and half hours without any reason
- Gave more than my 200% and still ended up being second best.
- Spectator to some scenes that'll haunt me for the rest of my life.

Just can say one word. F***. There. Felt slightly better. Just slightly

A Tall Tale of Time

2010-02-21T23:09:00.000-08:00

Was just wondering how things change with time.

Sample conversation with Dad:

2009:

Me: Hello
Dad: Hi, hegiddiya? (How are you?)

2010:

Me: Hello
Dad: How much cash do you want 'this' time?

I rest my case.

The Butt of All Butts

2010-01-26T09:54:00.000-08:00

ICC faces stiff challenge from India's latest cricketing extravaganza - BCC - Butt cricket. Messrs Bhargav and Vaibhav are the proud innovators of this wonderful game.

The other 2 Kumar brothers - Harsh with his Playboy-like batting stance and Nihal with his mammoth bat oops butt, contributed significantly to popularize this game in both formats i.e. the Test Format and the Round Robin Butt format.

Special thanks to the umpire and the cheerleader who encouraged us wholeheartedly during the entire game.

The rules of the game are quite straightforward and are as follows:

BCC Butt Cricket Rule No 1. Bat = Butt, Ball = Crazy Ball or any ball that is not injurious to the butt and the area surrounding it.

BCC Butt Cricket Rule No 2. The ball needs to bowled to the buttsman at approx 7kmph.
BCC Butt Cricket Rule No 2. Subclause a) Any ball faster than the butt-breaking speed will be called a no-ball and the buttsman has the right to appeal for "fast bowling".

BCC Butt Cricket Rule No 3. The ball has to be hit by the buttsman with a "jhatka" (a-la Madhuri Dixit / Salman Khan in 'Didi Tera Dewar Diwana')

BCC Butt Cricket Rule No 4. The buttsman will be declared out if any of the fielders catch the ball either a. Before it pitches
or b. Uses one hand to catch the ball after one pitch of the ball.

BCC Butt Cricket Rule No 5. Read above rules properly

BCC Butt Cricket Rule No 6. Read Rule 5 twice.

BCC Butt Cricket Rule No 7. All disputes shall be handled by the match referee or the neutral (not gender neutral) umpire or may be resolved
a. through a barrage of expletives or
b. through the use of the extreme physical force such as fist fighting.

BCC Butt Cricket Rule No 8. Sledging is an integral part of the game and every game shall include sledging in totality for the game to be played in the true spirit.

BCC plans to introduce the Butt-o-meter to encourage Butting (oops Betting).

BCC Butt Cricket does not entertain any outside feedback and any queries regarding this format will not be entertained. Thank you.

Adieu 2009

2009-12-31T05:59:00.001-08:00

It has been over 8 months since I've blogged... I guess the 'hectic' MBA life could be attributed for such a long period of inactivity (my friends @ NM and partners in crime would vouch for that :P :P )...

Am posting this while I'm waiting for the 3 idiots (Hari, Nachi and Kunta) to land up at my place. Funny thing is that it used to be many more idiots... just the 3 of them remain.. And the sinking feeling is that the head count is decreasing at a rate faster than my receding hairline..

The plan for the new year bash is unclear... well, there are no plans as of now.. There is 1 car and there are 4 people.. we'll probably end up going where the car takes us... I think the way I'm ending 2009 encapsulates the entire year has gone... (and probably the way life has shaped up)... It just brings a smile (rather, a smirk) to think of the irony of life... The more you make plans, the more confusing it gets...

Yet another year gone by, yet another set of events gone by; some trivial, some significant; new friendships were forged, some were well, not broken, but just separated by distance; some drifted away;

Every year that passes by just drives home the point that What you want and What you get might be mutually exclusive.

I'll just leave this here - as a point to ponder, for any random visitor who might happen to chance upon this post..

Adios for now and wish you all a very happy and prosperous year 2010.

What's In A Name?

2009-05-19T09:32:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was a kid, people have been calling me all sorts of names except for that one decent name, my folks thought would identify me.

I've been tagged as "Suppandi" (for my stupidity) by my cousins; a name they'll probably use even when i'm an age-old grandpa (won't talk too much about grandpapas here.. more on that later)..

Enter school where people referred to me as Guinea Pig aka Piggie for my nearly football shaped body and a pouting nose. That name stuck to me for nearly a decade and hell yeah, I used to be annoyed by that one; though I din't have the fitness nor the drive to chase down the bullies who called me a Piggie. D'oh.. :x (Some of the meaner ones used to chant "Dummi" - a fat, really fat, girl... They had a song for it as well... Bhari-dummi, handi mamsa i.e. pig fat, chicken mutton)

2 days into my engineering, when I felt I'd exorcised the demons of Piggie, and hey-presto, I got a new nick name - Thatha aka Grandpapa. My wise-ass friends keenly observed my glaring physical attributes - a receding hairline and a pot belly and they decided that I was the "Thatha" of the gang. God, did that name stick to me like a leech. Oh, and shortly the same set of folks also started calling me "BM" - an acronym of a famous kannada quote that I'd better not quote :). Now, here was a guy who had nested nicknames.

Scene: Engg college canteen, football session goin on...
Deepak: Oi Thatha, pass the ball...
Me - ignore and take ball forward...
Hari: Loafer BM, pass the ball to Deepak...

Deepak and Hari together: Loafer Thatha - BM, ball pass maado...
And I'm like "D'oh... that's like saying Bhargav Bhargav ... like some african tribal called Djemba Djemba..

Ah... Sadly, these names stuck with me during my MindTree days as well. And as luck would have it more names got appended. This time the car gang named me Khokua. For the uninitiated, it means Gundygut or Glutton. Some respite huh!!!

Fresh set of faces, different location... I thought I'd left my legacy of nicknames back in good old Bengaluru when I left for Mumbai to do my MBA... Alas... Some folks just don't have any luck.. :(
Here, it is/was of a different kind though... Initially, the junta just couldn't digest the fact that Bhargav can be a first name as well (and not necessarily a surname)... once they came to accept that, I was better known as Bhaskar - coz brand-Bhargav recollection was a numeral that the Indians claimed to have discovered i.e. zero.

After Bhaskar came Baga (after the dumb-guy in Lagaan)... People have started called me Bhargava or Bargav (minus the 'h')... To add to my woes, the faculty calls me "Uday" and virtually every lecture I end up giving proxy to my dad...
Faculty: "Uday has something to say about this case"
Me: "Err...My dad hasn't read the case study... Uday Jr. has a point or two"

Faculty (While calling out the attendance): "Uday"
Me: " Yes Sir..." (Haah..take that...successfully gave proxy to my dad.... yet again)

I try to book my flight ticket and I get a mail saying "Mr Chandra, your flight details are..."
In a fit of rage, I delete the mail only to realize that I haven't boarded the flight yet...

Just when I thought that the place where I'm interning would be nick-name free, i get my email id which says "bhargav.udai@..... .com"...Spelling mistake..that's the last straw...

And today..what prompted me to post this blog - Some random chap in office calling me "Bhargesh"!!! D'oh :x

For the sake of everything that's holy, it is BHARGAV - B for Boring, H for Hopeless, A for jackAss, R for Retard, G for Goofy, A again for Jackass and V for Vork-shirk (does work start with a V or a W?)

Random Saturday Mutterings

2009-05-09T01:55:00.000-07:00

True..I like weekends.. I mean, who doesn't.. (Blah..din't have any other way of starting off this post).. Am lazy to have breakfast/lunch, right now... The very fact that I have to provide the momentum to get my posterior up from this comfortable bed makes me think twice...

Shifted to my new apartment... Am now the proud 'part-owner' of a rented flat in Juhu!!! Whoa...The Juhu!!! (Question: If it is a rented flat, how does it make me the owner? Ans: Good question )

To take a break from the eternally stressful entity called work, I've been tracking the general elections and of course IPL.

I'm voting for this Mulayam singh bloke. To me, this guy has been the best of the lot in terms of speech... He's promised that he would be banning English and computers. Nice. This is exactly the kind of people our country needs. I mean, why do we need computers? Or english for that matter? We could go one step further and ban schools as well. No Schools => no colleges => no exams (Note: This comment is purely accidental and any correlation with the author's exams and pending results are purely coincidental). We need more leaders like him.

Moving on to the IPL, I am pished. Mighty pished. Being a diehard Bangalore Royal Challengers fan, i am upset at the fact that the Icon Player of RCB hasn't been featuring in the Playing - 11. He is 42 years old and he needs a walking stick. He's got supreme talent but it's just that he cannot bat, bowl and field. Barring these minor aberrations (that can be overlooked), he's a great asset. Sunil Joshi - you have me on your side.

Ah... The Vome Sick The Me

2009-04-14T09:59:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the extremely 'long' break that i got between my exams and summers (2 WHOLE DAYS), my homesickness has increased exponentially.

Strangely, today it was a different feeling though; wasn't the regular 'Miss my folks', 'Miss my friends' homesickness.
Just jotted down what I missed today (and over the past few months):

-My Girlfriend :) :) (With a TVS Victor - name tag :) :)
-My TT practice session
-My bean bag (which was the culprit behind my '33' - waist size (to be taken in past tense)
-My Casio Keyboard (The neighbours are happy though :o)
-7 am breakfast with piping hot ghee-masala dosas at Sidappa's and Chikkanna'
-Weekend visits to Blossoms book house
- Amoeba bowling alley (and beating Hari comprehensively :P :P)
- My Super-Fast BSNL broadband connection
- My neighbourhood library
- Mafia sessions at MindTree
- TP @ MindTree :P :P
- Speaking in Kannada (currently, I'm in a bad shape - I am bad at English, I don't know Hindi and I'm forgetting/gotten Kannada
- My set of Tinkle and Indrajal comics
- World Space radio

I cannot go on any further... the list is never ending...

Boo Hoo... 2 more months...

Not So Entertaining

2009-03-20T08:00:00.001-07:00

Why do people try to pi*s me off everytime...

Well... I'm not interested.. nor am I entertained...

Holi-day

2009-03-11T12:14:00.000-07:00

Played Holi today. Calling it 'played' would be an understatement.
Was dragged out of my room at around 10.30 am. (Joshi - my roomie categorically told me that t-shirts were being ripped apart. He saved one t-shirt of mine as I decided to go bare chested).
Was given 5 whiplashes (the whip being a banian soaked in all sorts of colors).
Joshi again saved me by warning me that people who had applied oil to their body would be scrubbed with 'rin' before being doused with colours.

Some 'sane' bloke got this wonderful idea of creating a 'Nagraj' out of me. God knows what the mixture was (it smelt like a mixture of paint and grease), but its application on me rendered a face that would have given an African a run for his money.

Took me 5 scrubbings, once with a brush that is used for washing clothes, to get rid of one layer of color.

Resembled a kindergarten kid's coloring book gone bad..

Played holi at 10pm again, this time, with the gals around. Thankfully no nasty colours this time, one wash and everything was off...

It was fun all in all... (barring the post-holi bathing)... Waiting eagerly for '10 Holi..

Lucky Day

2009-03-08T09:11:00.000-07:00

Had a bit of a lucky day today... Just managed to scrape through all rounds of Antakshari before hitting form in the final round... Managed to lose the toss as well in the final round, which actually proved to be a blessing in disguise in terms of the questions... Got 'masakali' in the dumb c round which was a sitter...
Was lucky enough to scrape through JAM finals through a series of objections...
Was lucky to get movies like Shawshank Redemption, events like Euphoria and personalities like Pranoy Roy in the final round of pot pourrie...
8th of March wasn't so bad after all... :) :)

Nice. I finally believe in something called 'luck'

A heaven named Woodlands...

2009-03-05T09:30:00.000-08:00

Am too bored to blog... Infact too bored to do anything at all, right now...
Just returned from heaven... I din't know that heaven had an alias - 'Hotel Woodlands - Juhu'... Vaibhav, the broke soul, had to convince himself that the hostel mess food was 'nutritious' and 'tasty'... Of course, his credit history ain't that good for any of us to be lending him any money.. :) :)

Found a very cute kiddo in the hotel... just felt like beating up the parents (for cheap thrills) .. and then direct a movie called "Beat The Parents"...

Now on a novel reading spree...
Just done with Eric Segal's "Love Story" - It wasn't all that bad... Well, in hindsight, it was a good book...Shetty was right (for a change) :) :)
Gotto read "Prisoner of Birth" and "Gates of Fire" simultaneously.. Got Dirk Gently waiting in the pipeline with "India's Bismarck" as well... God help me in my third trimester exams...

Yet Another Arbit Post...

2009-03-01T10:29:00.000-08:00

Binged on rice today... Found some Restaurant called 'Woodlands' that had pics of 'Taranga' for display (that too in the heart of Juhu)... Nice... Had enough lunch to skip dinner... Bisibele bath was great as well...

Created 'FabCare/FabKare/ whatever, today'... Main features
- Washing clothes in Juhu Beach
- B-plan that made losses, not profits
- Realizing our dreams through your money (
- Delivery vans with the photos of the creators (B-I-O-S)
- Chairs in a laundry shop to 'entice' old people (whoa)

I think the excess-rice finally got to me..

Arbit Post

2009-02-27T12:03:00.000-08:00

Just found out the purpose of my existence (for those who don't know read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) in the Corporate Strategy session today. There are 5000 varieties of cheese and I've just tasted 3 of them!!! So... 4997 to go and a whole lifetime ahead!!

Had been to Churchgate to meet Dad. He took me out to a couple of good "South Indian" restaurants. (And promptly regretted it). I acted like a malnourished kid being fed by a social worker (well, I couldn't have acted like one as it was a genuine case)

WHAT THE !!!*&^^%%^$^$

2009-02-21T03:16:00.000-08:00

I AM PISSED!! Pissed with AB's baby. Pissed with a certain Ramprakash Omprakash Mehra whatever. Pissed off with a Moto Rockr phone. Pissed off with a stupid pigeon that
hogs more than 5 minutes of screen time.

I mean, come on, which insane moron could put Abhishek Bacchan in the lead role... The only role that suited Abhishek, was that in Dostana (where he was a natural)... Oh..And all the other roles where he dies in Scene 1 - (Good riddance) and the rest of the movie is carried through by other actors. (More about the death part later).Whenever there is Abhishek starring in a movie, you can observe the side actors / actresses, the trees, the backdrops and u'll find their acting better than his. Though it is quite amazing that he can pull off any role by portraying a constipated look.

I am so pissed with this movie called Delhi-6 that i actually began to like "Ghajini"!!!! Whoa!!! "The Ghajini". Infact, Delhi-6 makes Ghajini look like a sensible, well-crafted, enjoyable movie!!!! (More Whoa!!!) (Eyebrows, registering shock, raised so high that they are touching the back of my head)!!!

Another funny part of this movie (unintentional on the part of the director though). Abhishek ATTEMPTING to speak English!!!! And that too with a foreign accent. (Someone should tell him that he needs to work more on his tribal language first, which mostly sounds like Jhingalala Ho, Jhingala Ho, Hur, Hur; before making an attempt to speak ENGLISSSS). Tell you what; AB's baby is a Software Engineer who is on a BIG BIG BENCH!! Who else would come from America and stay indefinitely in India without having any plans of going back...

Right through the first half of the movie, uncle (read as AB's baby) roams around advertising his Moto phone. (Again, Moto has been stupid enough to retain him as a brand ambassador even after they've closed down operations in India. Duh!!!! I diint know that they were dumb enough not to identify that he was the cause for their brand failure in India. I mean, which sane guy would buy a Moto phone that AB's baby endorses!!! Hail India - the land where sensible people
live)

I still haven't been able to figure out what the director was trying to prove by stretching a 5 min movie to over 3 hours. Bugger doesn't have any sense of time. The most important part of the movie, and incidentally, the most entertaining part (where AB's baby was lynched by a thoughtful mob) lasted just for 5 min. I had offered to pay Su and the rest of the junta, Rs 10 (out of sheer joy) if AB's baby died in the movie;Rs 100 if he had died in the beginning of the movie. Though I was disappointed that neither happened, I did shell out 10 bucks when they beat the hell out of him. (God, How i hope that the filming of this scene was real)

Now to that godda*n pigeon. Masakali. Why...why..why, pray, does someone have to name that stupid pigeon Masakali and all it does it walk around here and there without adding value.. heck..had it atleast done what it can do best (leave bird-droppings) on the so called Hero's head, I wouldn't have objected for its existence in the movie.

Oh... I'd mentioned that AB's baby hits on Rishi Kapoor as well.. (Which is why I said he was a natural in Dostana).. Sample this: "You know, you are a very good looking guy" followed by "I am from America". I mean, how can anyone (anyone but AB's baby) call that obese, old, white-haired Rishi Kapoor "good looking"???!!!!!

Now for the 4 best parts of the movie:

1. The sensible mob lynching AB's baby.

2. The 5 mins i missed out during the interval buying popcorn. (I realized the importance of having spent those 5 minutes in a productive manner).

3. Sonam Kapoor - The only other value-add (apart from the popcorn) that prevented me from leaving the theater midway (and not shouting obscenities during the course of the movie).

3. Writing this blog after the movie.

And what pissed/pisses me off more than Delhi-6? Vaibhav spilling more than half of my popcorn!!!

P.S. I'm coming out with a new movie called Bangalore - 78 (if that guy can make a stupid 3 hour movie after a Pin code of Delhi, why cant I make a full fledged Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi series with Bangalore?)

P.P.S. Sagar (aka Subbu) came up with this brilliant status msg (very apt as well) which left me in splits. I've taken all necessary permissions from him to upload this as a part of my revised post - Sagar.Leo says : "gosh!! had their will prevailed, d monkeys livin at 110006 wud hv sued AB2 4 portrayin kala bandar"

P.P.P.S Roopam's status msg..another killer status msg...everyone seems to be in form "LATEst on "Bandar mania" :-- Monkey man has been spotted living in PEACE at Jalsa,Juhu,Mumbai-400049 ...wen he gets bored,he does however fly/leap to delhi-(11000)6 and terrorises innocents ;)"

Mercury Rising...

2008-08-31T13:44:00.000-07:00

Phooey... Nearly 3 months since my previous post.
Truth: I was so busy with college and studies that I din't have the 'time' to blog. (DUH!!!)
Lies: All me do in college is play DC (dumb charades) and do time-pass. Me a lazy moron and me dint feel like signing into blogger. Ergo, no posts from the past 3 months.

Fahrenheit (the inter-div competion) at NM just got over today and me writes about what me saw/perceived (D'oh!!! No OB jargon allowed in my blog) @ Fahrenheit.

Here's just a brief intro about the entire Div C: 60 odd bunch of supremely talented individuals, each unique. Love to jabber-jabber a lot post 2pm and consider 9am - 2pm as the hibernating period. Droopy eyes, dreamy looks characterize these bunch of wierdos (including myself) during the first half of the day. It's the second half of the day when the 'other side' of this bunch can be seen. Can eat a chocolate ice cream topped cake (mmmmmm..Chocolate..mmmmmmmm) in record time. (Err... 'Eat' wouldn't exactly be the right word here... Devour would probably fit in).

Aaargh.. digressing too much from the topic. I'll write about this whole fahrenheit thingie in truth/lies fashion. (This manner of writing was introduced by the co-author of the blog http://jobless-dot-org.blogspot.com/. All copyrights reserved).

Truth: Lady luck was with Div C. Hence it won fahrenheit.
Lies: As I mentioned above, Div C has a set of 'supremely' talented individuals. And when this pool of inherent talent come together, there's nothing stopping them.

Truth: Div C won by a whisker.
Lies: Clean Sweep of Fahrenheit 2008. The others were competing for the 2nd and 3rd spot. I don't expect this kind of a performance to be repeated in the years to come. (Unless the current members of this section participate). The score of Div C (200) was much more than the sum total of the 2nd and 3rd teams put together. (100+90).

Truth: There was lack of co-ordination in Div C.
Lies: OB, Individual dynamics, team-work etc etc shouldn't be taught in class. All they had to do was watch Div C's performance in Fahrenheit.

Truth: The competitors were just peers.
Lies: The seniors and juniors of all the divisions of MBA-Core and MBA-sectoral combined, couldn't match upto the might of a certain Div C, of which most of the contribution came from the junior batch.

Truth : Div C sneaked in a few points here and there and managed to win the first prize
Lies: Mad-Ads - 1st, Dumb C - 1st, JAM - 1st, Poster Making - 1st, Antakshari - 1st, Light Indian Music -2nd, Movie-Spoof - 3rd, Choreo - 3rd, Gas-o-meter - 3rd. That was like, 9 out of 10 events. Do I need to say more???

Truth: Div C won by cheating
Lies: DUH. Losers have excuses for everything. They blame the position of the moon, the stars and even the vada pav outside the college for their loss. I've got one statement for most of the others who say that div C won by cheating - "People inside glasshouses shouldn't throw stones at others".

Truth: Div C won Fahrenheit.
Lies: Div C dint just win Fahrenheit. It won it COMPREHENSIVELY!!!

Div C ROKKKZZZZZZZZZZZ....

Vacation's over...

2008-07-03T08:42:00.000-07:00

After nearly a 3 year honeymoon period in the IT industry (read as no-work), I get back to college once again..
I feel a sense of deja-vu after the first 10 days in college...

Here are some things which I revisit in my college life...

1. Sitting in the back bench
2. Switching back to Prepaid mode.
3. Trying to make new friends.
4. Finding the first friend in class and later realizing that he is a jackass.
5. Listening to friends rant about their crushes and girlfriends. And then giving them some 'crude' advice.
6. Bargaining with the local shop keeper for petty amounts.
7. Daily checking the balance of my mobile.
8. Asking a friend to return the 2Rs he had borrowed for coffee.
9. Going to the hotel, hogging like a pig, and leaving without tipping the waiter.
10. Having crushes on seniors but fearing their boyfriends.
11. Fudging an assignment from the studious people in class.
12. Dozing off in class and giving an understanding nod to the unsuspecting faculty at regular intervals.
13. Playing pranks on any arbitrary individual.
14. Laughing at anything and everything in the middle of a session.

...and some things which I am experiencing for the first time:
1. Hostel Life - I don't have something called a 'private life'. Added to that a factor of homesickness.
2. Ragging: Have been at the delivering end but never at the receiving end.
3. Washing clothes - God bless the inventor of the washing machine.
4. Living with 4 people in a single room.
5. Giving missed call to folks back home and waiting expectantly for them to call back.
6. Studying from day-1.
7. Going half-way to college after forgetting something and not getting a call from mom.
8. Speaking in Hindi for most part of the day. (Something at which I'm horribly bad and the cause of my non-participation in certain conversations when hard-core Hindi is used. My Hindi language is limited to "Arre yaar", "Kya", "Kyon","Kahan" and ofcourse the obscenities.)

3 mistakes of MY life

2008-06-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

Before I start... Here's what a "Just Married.... ... ... To My New Lappie" status message could do to the no of people pinging you.. :) :)

Now, coming to the 3 Mistakes of my life:

Mistake #1: Reading Othla's post on http://chamaks.blogspot.com/2008/06/more-than-3-mistakes-of-my-life.html

Mistake #2: Writing a comment for the same.

Mistake #3: Writing this worthless post to highlight my previous 2 mistakes.

When Time Came to a standstill...

2008-05-22T07:23:00.000-07:00

It was one of those bright sunny mornings - the ones that normally turn up after a Royal Challengers Bangalore victory, a rarity in itself. The day held no indication of the sequence of events that were to occur later in the day.

A hungry bunch of software proffessionals (with one ex-pro) set out to fulfil the signals sent by the stomach and their taste buds on this glorious morning. The trio waded through the exponentially increasing bangalore traffic, jumped traffic signals and cursed fellow motorists on the way to, what one can describe as, a foodie's heaven.

A 20 minute wait in the queue to enter Pattapatti Sidappa's house boosted the trio's appetite with one of them being a regular, one a future customer for life and the third one a newbie. While the omni-present "Kumaranna" served one "tuppa-khali" after another, the hungry lads munched on.

2 idlis, 2 tuppa khalis and one half-rice later, the unthinkable and un-imaginable happened.

The arrival of the half masala-dosas for the trio brought salivating, eye-popping stares from the fellow customers. While the regular and the would-be-customer-for-life gleefully offered their plates to devour the much awaited half-masala, the newbie placed his hand half an inch above his plate signalling his denial for the half-masala. (half-masala at Siddappa: The third greatest invention of all time, with the first being "Pappu" and the second being "i-Pod").

Time came to a standstill, the earth stopped rotating on it's axis, bandes started thinking, software engineers started working and several other impossible things happened all at once. This gesture brought about stares so vicious, the stares that could've burnt houses from the fellow customers. Some of them had expressions on their faces which displayed a host of emotions, from anger to surprise, all at the same time. Kumaranna himself was the most surprised of the lot and muttered an unmistakable "D'oh". Till date, no one had ever, ever, refused a half-masala at Sidappa!!! The only happy person was the lady sitting next to the newbie, who literally pounced on the dosa before the newbie could change his mind.

The newbie tried to make amends by apologizing and devouring another half-masala (which arrived 20 mins later) but the damage had been done. Mankind would never be the same again.

Interesting story, wasn't it? It most definitely wasn't a fictitious one - a story based on three lives which would never remain the same thereafter. The regular - Karthik MV, the future-customer-for-life : Myself and the newbie (and the anti-hero) of this story - Sarang.

People say life goes on, but this act will have significant impact on the lives of these three. For Karthik, he will never be treated again with the same respect at Sidappa; Sarang: Shrinks have already started analysing the various causes that might have led him to do the un-thinkable and for me: I'm still pissed-off that the half-masala went to the lady on the other side of Sarang and not to me.

Planet Of the APES

2008-03-02T09:07:00.000-08:00

'Tis been a month and half since I've posted something worthless. In other words, I've been accumulating truckloads of bullcr@p that I can dump on unsuspecting individuals who happen to visit this blog either by chance or 'coz of repeated nagging from moi. Me has always believed that some people can be extraordinary jackasses and me plans to enlighten more people about that. (Dont be surprised if you see a halo after reading this post).

Recently, I had to visit Mumbai for some reason that can be classified underSection2320923 of IPC. And for that, me had to book a two way flight from B'lore to Mumbai. Me return flight was at 8.30pm from Mumbai and it got cancelled. (Thanks to that I was offered FREE dinner at the OBEROI!!!!!). As a result of this, i was offloaded to some other International Flight that happened to be passing by Mumbai. The point to be noted here is that the flight was at 3am.(Me has never seen that time of the day).

Sitting at the airport I happened to chance upon a couple of weirdos who could be preserved and displayed in some museum. Sample this:

Airport Authority (at the flight boarding gate): "Ahmedabad, Ahmedabad, Ahmedabad!!!"
(Now those of you who've visited the Majestic Bus Stand in B'lore will know the kind of tone that I am referring to).
And here's what our pal had to say to all those passengers who were entering that terminal after their security checks and passport stampings: "Ahmedabad, Ahmedabad??" (in a questioning tone).
Me thinks: "DUDE, what the Fudge is the Public Announcement System for?!!!@#&%$#*"

And just as I thought that this was the limit, in comes Mr Smarty Pants, well dressed, carrying a laptop bag.

Airport Authority: "Ahmedabad?"
Smarty Pants : "Haan.. Ready Hai???"
Me mutter to myself: (with the choicest of swear words): "What the *&%$!!!! Do you have an option to take another flight. Heck, this aint a bus stand where you take a bus that's ready to leave, birdbrain. (More curse words)."

And mind you, all this is happening at 2am at an "International Airport"!!!

If you think that's all, hang on, there is more in store. Me boards flight, me promptly drifts into slumber.
Suddenly, me feel something shaking. Then me realize that the something is my body and some external force is applying pressure to shake me body. Me wake up groggy eyed only to see an air-host (NOTE: not an air-hostess).

Me: "Have we arrived?"
Air-"Host" - " No Sir, here's your snack"
Me check time: 4.00 am (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
At un-earthly hours, me brain doesn't function properly and cannot recollect swear words. So, thanks to the short-circuiting of some of the nerves in my brain, me uttered some curse words that sounded something like this: "htryl garb bwjel ajworyw ereradfa"
Me thinks at least me will have snack: Me open box and me find 2 slices of bread which half a slice of cheese in between and a visiting card that says "We hand-pick the choicest of food for our invaluable customers"
Me pished big-time.

Now, moving away from the airport incident(s), me was going to work and me found this instruction written on a government building "DO NOT URINATE". Me being a simpleton and a person who does not want to get into the wrong side of the law, promptly decided to obey this order issued by the government. It so happened that my biological system is least concerned about the Indian Laws and me had to break the law after me controlled myself from urinating for over 4 hours. (The police are probably on the lookout for me now). Me thinks that the instruction should've been "Do not urinate HERE", but who knows, me is an uneducated duffer and me takes little or no interest in local affairs.

Sample another one: Here's a direction finder board that displayed in big bold letters on JC Road:

K.R Market Majestic Richmond Road

As far as I know, one could reach majestic by going straight ahead instead of digging and going underground!!!

With that, i've dumped all the bullcr#p that had existed in my system for a month and a half.

Before I sign off, here's a killer one:
Gyan on the back-side of autorickshaw: "LIFE IS DRAMA. MAN IS ACTOR"
Me: "D-U-H!!!!!!"

Native Hangover

2008-01-15T03:11:00.000-08:00

Back to Bloggyland after a seemingly long period of inactivity. (Read as Non-availability of topics).

First of all, I would like to offer my tribute to the person who, though technically speaking was not my grandmother, was as doting as my other Grannies. I feel a stab of pain when I recollect some fond memories of her... And a pang of guilt surges as I could not be beside her when she breathed her last. May Rohinakka's soul R.I.P.

Secondly, I doff my hat to iPod, the second greatest (i really mean greatest) invention of all time, the first being "Pappu" (A delicacy made out of Dal, available at Andhra Style restaurants... Slurrp...Slurrp).

Back to my post. Me just returned back from Tirthalli and it's taking some time for me to return to normalcy. I could safely say that the past 3-4 days were some of the best-est days of my recent times. I could describe the trip in 6 words flat (not counting the hyphens): Eat-Sleep-Eat-Sleep-More Sleep. In the process, I haven't done anything good to my ever increasing waist size. I might add that there were few instances of sheer lunacy (good enough to get us admitted into Ashok mama's hospital) that fit into this eat-sleep cycle.

Sample this: Sitting in the crowded hotel-beside-the-busstop at Tirthalli and ordering North Indian Delicacies that I/we (read as Dharmashree Rao and your's truly) haven't tried in B'lore. (Disclaimer: They were delicious). Whilst waiting for our order, singing loudly enough to have attracted attention from say, half of tirthalli. (P.S. Anushree and Nidhi were really dignified in their behavior. From the corner of my eye, i could see them trying to disassociate themselves from us).

Or this : 4 of us fatsos (fatso would be an understatement) squeezing into a bed (that was made for a 1 normal size person or at max 2 really really thin people) and successfully dozing off for about 3 hours. The pic should prove that I'm not exaggerating.

How bout this: Going to the TTH (TTH - ThirThaHalli) bus stand on Sunday morning with all bag and baggage ready to go back to B'lore/M'lore and then just before boarding the bus changing our mind, deciding to stay back for another day, sending back our bags with a stunned-Duttumama (He was all set to get rid of us.. hehehe) and then boarding the same bus to go to Bhadravati instead to visit Jayashree Doddamma. And if you think that was all, hang on... Singing our way to glory in a bus full of townsfolk and attracting "you-must-be-from-outerspace" looks.

Or going to a Mallu restaurant in Shimoga!!!!!! (Wowow... Mallus even in Shimoga!!!!! And of all places we had to go there!!!) and ordering a "Cocke" (I mean "Coke"). Can it get any worse??(Disclaimer: I dont mean any disrespect to Mallus, but they're there just about, say, everywhere).

Enough said, let me get to the actual post.(I'm assuming that the readers have managed upto this point painstakingly). When me thinks of me childhood, the first thing that comes to me mind is TTH. A haven of fun and frolic...I've never spent a boring day in TTh. From times immemorial (immemorial atleast to me), me has always looked forward to go to what others call "native" and what I call "home away from home". And each time I go there I remember some of the wonderful times I've had with my cousins (In descending order: Ganeshanna, Shilpakka, Madhavanna, Dharmashree Akka, Shruthi, Dharmaraj, Anushree and Nidhi), my uncles and aunts who have been surrogate parents to me when i've been there( 'm reallly really lucky - and I thank my stars for having such wonderful relatives. Note: 'Wonderful' would really be an understatement). From making paper boats (using Kodachaadri newspaper) to eating Gobi Manchuri at 10pm sitting on the bridge, I can just say "Been there...Done That".

Recollecting some of the noteworthy incidents at Tirthalli:
-> Walking all the way to Koppa circle under the scorching sun, all for a Maaza, and then getting conned. (Ganeshanna, you owe us one. :D :D).
-> Having a stone throwing competition at Kalsaara, and then getting blasted left, right and center by a lady.
-> Playing hide and seek behind the pillars and getting Madhavanna Out. (The modus operandi was scream "Madhavanna, there is something behind you" and voila he used to run from his hiding place).
-> Sleeping on the "Upparige" Joola oblivious to the entire outside world.
-> Feeding(should I say overfeeding) a cow to the point of indigestion.
-> Duttumama's jokes... (Chit Chaat Chataal , Guddi Guddi etc).
-> Maralugudde. (Can write a post on that, but will restrict myself).
-> And lots more. (Thanks to my memory I haven't been able to recollect all of them. Please do leave a comment of your memorable incidents).

And each time I leave from the place (or about to leave from the place), this is the feeling:
"Yeh Ghadi Na Jaaye Beet" (Song: Aa laut ke aaja, Movie: Rani Roopmati).

Me thinks if there is any place called Heaven, it has to be at this house by the riverside in this small town called Kuruvalli. I rest my case.

TPGPL Reloaded!!!!!

2007-11-25T08:36:00.000-08:00

TPGPL is back with a bang!!!! Today's meeting just proved that...
Anyways, for those of you who've forgotten... Here is a re-introduction of the key-members

CEO Tiger aka "Hemanth":

Claim to Fame: Poli Maathugalu...FreshhandHonest
Quotable Quotes: "Nin hendt....... kodtiya???? Bejar madkollalla...loafer nan magane" (I was at the recieving end :( )

CTO Bande aka "Deepak"

Claim to Fame: Allah ke bande
Quotable Quotes: "Toota toota ek saaman aise toota..."

CFO Kunta aka "Sriram"

Claim to Fame: (In)Famous jump from 5-point something wall, Vagator, Goa / Irrepairable 15 degree bend in left ankle.
Quotable Quotes: "Yamma... Yeno haikonde"

COO Mallu Boy aka "Sharath"

Claim to Fame: Adda
Quotable Quotes: "Adda" / "Ooo f**k" (before falling from bike)

HR BM aka "Bhargav"

Claim to Fame: Darshini, K.R. Circle, Bangalore.
Quotable Quotes: "Sss side ge hogu"

Recently deposed CEO Gay aka Students aka "Hari"

Claim to Fame: Mock Interview
Quotable Quotes: "Steve Waugh bowling mettage baratte.... aaadre pace iratte"

Bladebubba Nachi

Claim to Fame: Bubbalogue
Quotable Quote: Request the rest of the members to fill in

Software Engineers Mom aka Nish

Claim to Fame: Pondi in Placement Office
Quotable Quote: "1 year celibacy..."

Shetty

Claim to Fame: Yet to come
Quotable Quote: "Mmmdddiga".

Request others to post similar intros...

Living in a fantasy land

2007-11-03T05:18:00.000-07:00

I was planning to gather info for this post and upload it later in the day but this thought struck me suddenly.
Reading a novel akin to Harry Potter, or atleast of the same genre of books, fantasy fiction, got me into thinking about how we wish to live in a deluded world. As I delved more, I found out that these books give you an out of the world experience, an experience which is truly implausible. It is no wonder they are called 'fantasy fiction'. People who haven't read such books might demur at these suggestions and term the others as demented but living in the fantasy world is a lot better than the actual world. The good part about these books is that there are no parallel stories and they are all part of a complex plot.

Most of these stories contain a protagonist who is still in school (the children's fantasy fiction) and has a prophecy made in his name which he/she must fulfil or die trying. There is of course the antagonist who acts as a demoniac. The hero of the book must descry various objects hidden or sometimes even encounter them during the course of his journey to fulfil his prophecy. Most often, the hero is deprived of desideratum in his childhood and sometimes considered as despicable by his peers.

To Be Continued...

Getting Quizzical Pt 2

2007-11-02T10:26:00.000-07:00

I tried to aggrandize my existing general knowledge in the past few weeks unsuccessfully. After round 3 i was muttering to myself.."Atleast some of the questions were trite"... Added to that, i had to sit in one place. Having played a truant all my life, this was one place i couldn't excuse myself out.
All the initial hype just turned out to be trumpery. Round 4, 5 and 6 were our rounds as all the turgid questions reduced and the torpor of our team seemed to have vanished. Though these rounds were tortuous, we had answers for most of the quesions. We traiped about answering most and agglomerating a lot of points thus building a healthy lead over the rest of the pack, second only to the top scorers. But then tocsins began to ring as the other teams closed in on the gap and we were unfortunate not to have got a few easy questions our way.
We ended up fourth but still that was a good show considering our start... I can describe the events into a tome but i restrict myself here as i'm feelign quite torpid.. :)

Getting Quizzical

2007-11-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, I am back with the "A Post A Day"...
Today's post describes an area of extra-curricular activity that i'm not good at... i.e. general knowledge...and quizzing has never been my forte... Thanks to being cooped up in my house and watching cartoon network all the time, I thought that my GK had hit rock bottom. But yesterday's quiz finals showed that there is some vestige.

Flash back to my office near Kengeri, a couple of weeks back, there was an announcement that there would be a general quiz contest. A few fellow timepass seekers and I formed a team - "Yakke"... "Yakkow" would've sounded better but sounded too raspy. Expecting a lot of recondite questions as the no of teams were high, we participated for timepass. By a quirk of fate, we got the easiest of questions...well, questions to which we knew the answers. We 'topped' the prelims and were termed as rubber champions, though i'm not sure why we got that tag. Now that left me in a quandary as I neither have/had the quizzing abilities nor did I brush up on my non-existent GK to add value to the team. After a dismal performance in round 2, we had no hopes of qualifying for the finals. Lady luck smiled on us twice and we just managed to scrape through to the finals.

Now, I dint want to go to the finals and get pummelled. Neither did i want to be branded as pusillanimous. Mustering courage I went there and took my seat next to some of the putative(reputed) quizzing giants. I was hoping to purloin some points here and there by hook or crook. After the first three rounds, our team was yet to open the account thanks to some really shoddy answering by your's truly. Added to that, some very easy questions were on the offering and they were devoured by the other teams. But such is the pulchritude of quiz. I had this puerile urge to go and erase all the points on the board so that the quiz would restart and hopefully i could gain a few points.

To Be Continued...

Bugged By Media

2007-10-31T11:01:00.000-07:00

After yesterday's post, I wasn't sure if I had the verve to churn out another post... Blogging continuously can be a pain... or atleast when it is seen as a daily chore.. :( . Anyway, I'll continue with my "Post for the day"...

Today, I have chosen to blog about some of the vapid news reporting by some of the media and the response to such insipid stories by readers. In my opinion, newspapers have been deposed by the internet as the unbiased source of news. Certain forms of the media move heaven and earth to tailor news according to their view point and are shamelessly biased while delivering them. To them, TRP is important and more often than not, turn out to be depraved. An editorial of a leading newspaper responded to critics stating that the news wasn't veneered. The editor even went to the extent of vilifying some of the questions just stoppping short of terming them"stupid". The denouement was clear: "This is the kind of news that we report. Take it or leave it". I consider this as a dereliction from their duty viz to report news as it is.

Add to that some readers who seem to have taken the task of vexing others by posting comments that are neither relevant to the context nor sensible but often visceral. Some of them seem to be competing with viragos. Just for arguments sake. What prompted me to post this was the sight of the reader's comments in today's newspaper. The comments were in reaction to the recent regimen or the welter of the regime in Karnataka. All of them objurgated the recently formed JDS - BJP coalition calling it an unhealthy one. Surprisingly, not one of these comments came from Karnataka. And those states from where these well-educated people have posted their comments have seen regimes that are forgettable. And not to mention, those governments have been chosen by the very same people's volition. I am not trying to champion the cause of the politicos here but this is just an attempt to showcase how deplorable the deportment of people can be. When you point a finger at others, remember that there are 4 pointing at you. Sounds cliched, but very true.

TV itself has been subjected to depredation of TRP and masala. Most of these TV channels, probably have a recreant (apostat/traitor)- a reconnoiter for another channel, who sells news / info. There is no rectitude in this cut-throat atmosphere and there is no scope for a recumbent posture. This info is then refurbished, rehashed and transmitted as Flash News. So much for originality. Reporting can get virulent if trivia makes headlines. Some invite experts to their shows, to debate on controversial topics. More often than not, these debates are vitiated by the glamour quotient. The luminaries on stage are vitriolic to each other's opinions and spend the given time vituperating (abuse) the opinion of the other. Channels in their quest for variegation often forget the cardinal rule of reporting viz give news as it is. Unfortunately, this kind of SOAP is in vogue and has become a wont. Interesting.

News must be winnowed from trivia and broadcast separately. The apparition of the Created News must wane. Media barons must realize this and veer the course of this ship lest it sink in the vast ocean of ignorance.

A stinker by the selectors... yet again

2007-10-30T06:54:00.000-07:00

Readers, please bear with me for a few days. I will be churning out abominable posts day after day for the next few days. Request all patrons not to be disheartened by these sub-standard posts and kindly bear with me for some more days. Gulp...Here goes:

Indian cricket is in a welter. Not that there were any less controversies before this one. But this has been one of those where cricketing logic has taken a welting. I'm talking about the exclusion of former skipper Rahul Dravid from the 15 member squad for the first two ODIs against Pak. His exclusion has been unwarranted and the decision to 'rest' him doesn't have a whit of sense.

Time and again, we have seen the whimsical attitude of the selectors and this time, the 'colonel' has misfired. And just as we thought that all is well, Vengsarkar played the role of a wet blanket. Though R.D's dip in form may have been waxing, he has never been wastrel(profligate) in his approach to batting. The damage done to India's most dedicated player cannot be undone. No amount of wheedling can undo the treatment meted out to this gentleman.

Dravid hasn't made any whinny noises. Another characteristic of the gentleman that he is. It is a loss to the great batting line-up we once possessed. The middle order has been debilitated. Of course we have the debonair Yuvi, but what the team needs is a person who can play the role of an anchor when the chips are down.

We can expect a declivity in the team's performance if more such selecting shockers occur.

I'm Feelin Real Happy

2007-10-03T02:00:00.000-07:00

After a long period of hibernation, I'm back to bloggy world. Since it has been a long time, English mine little rusty become. Kindly bear with the me.

These days I'm feeling really happy, as if I were on a high. And this happiness is due to some external factors, none of which have anything to do with me. But still, I'm feeling really excited.
Happiness, they say, is contagious. Let me share the joy with the rest of you folks:

1. Recent developments in Karnataka politics: Wow, this one sure gets me on a high. I've always thought that using the term "scoundrels" for politicos was apt. Now, I feel, "goddamn bast@rds", pardon my French, might also sound a little too mild.

I like these JD(S) dudes. They remind me of my own self when I was a kid. During those gully cricket sessions, when I was done with my batting, I used to say "win-declare". (Or walk off with the bat, coz the bat was mine). Now, there is nothing better than watching your opponent fume, cheated out of their batting turn, claiming foul play. Same sh*t here. Only that the stakes are higher.

And all these days, we've been expecting them to govern us. Hamburger.
I'm feeling very happy...

2. Talk on non-"voilence" at the UN General Assembly: If any of you watched the Ind-Aus cricket match on Tue, you might've noticed this. The UPA chairperson delivering a speech on non-"voilence" to the UN General Assembly would be aired live on DD. Huh, no sh*t.
First of all, our pals (read as DD) do not know the s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g of 'violence'. Next, we have a lady from that mafia stricken land delivering a speech on non-'voilence'. (In italiano è non-violenza).

I'm feeling very happy...

3. Men in ze blue: Man, I've never felt more happier about anyone else. Our country has a knack of picking heroes and turning them into Gods.

Some arbitrary dude hit some round white object out of someplace six times in a row and he gets rewarded with crores of rupees, houses and what not. The rest of the folks who are also dressed in the same colors get lakhs, if not crores for providing, say 3 hours, of entertainment. That money was what I paid as tax. Sweet. Oh... And not to mention, people worship them as well. Some even go to the extent of saying that their f@rts smell nice. (That really is crass, but yeah, it is the truth).

Man, that's really nice considering the fact that there are soldiers out there at some remote unheard, unseen places firing rounds after rounds and they get one medal, that too posthumously. So much for their valor.

I'm feeling really happy...

4. Ease of commuting: I am a person who loves to do time-pass and not to sound immodest, but, I come up with really innovative ideas for doing timepass. Now this new novel method stumped me. Sample this: I need to go from Place A to Place B, say from my house to the next block. Couple of years back it used to take a lazy-bum like about 10mins max. Now, it takes close to 45 mins. Wow, 35 mins of timepass. Sweet. Added to that, more often than not I get a roller coaster ride, which would have cost me 400rs in WonderLa. Sweet.

I'm feeling really really happy.

I've got something for all the people mentioned in this post:

PEOPLE, PLEASE READ BETWEEN THE LINES!!!

India will be a superpower in 2020... I will be going to Mars on vacation starting tomorrow.

Mera Bharat Mahan, Jai Hind!!!

FREAK-O-NOMICS

2007-08-20T07:42:00.000-07:00

Feeling bored?? Feeling lonely?? Feeling sad???? Don't have cash??? Trouble at the workplace???? Here is the perfect solution for all your troubles. It's easy, it's fun and the best part of it, it comes at absolutely no cost... FREAK people out. Yeah, you heard me right, just freak 'em out... Whoa, BullSh*t for Free!!!!!

Let me give you a background of freaking people out before I actually get into the intricacies of freaking out people:

Why do people freak out?? The answer is simple, coz, they have a certain set of ideas/ideologies, and you simply refuse to believe them. In short, you just make them believe that your beliefs are superior! (Atleast, that's what you make them believe). Confused??? Read on...

How do you know if a person has freaked out? This is simpler than the previous one... The subject in question tends to exhibit qualities like "screaming at you", "attempting to assault you" or for the physically weak ones "simply stop speaking to you". There are these other set of people who, at first sight, dont seem to have freaked out... But, hold on, if this person ponders a lot over what you've said and comes back to you at a later point of time when the topic is not even remotely connected to what you are currently speaking, then it means that you've successfully freaked the person out...The bottom line is, almost everyone freaks out, you just have to hit the right nerve.

So, if it is so "freakin" simple, how the hell do you freak people out??? This is the simplest of the lot. Pick up a topic of your choice (the topic should be controversial.. It SHOULDN'T an open-shut case, for e.g. "Sachin should retire" or "Karan Johar is Gay" ). Something on the lines of well, say, "Does GOD exist????". Throw this open ended question to the person who you want to freak out. And then, no matter what the other person says, (whether you believe it or not), contradict them(whether you believe yourself or not!!). Shred their argument to pieces. Easy as that. And then, watch the fun....

There are 2 stages to master this art:
Stage 1: Fend off any attempt to Freak you out...
Stage 2: Try freaking others out.

I've passed stage 1 with flying colours and currently in infancy of stage 2.

For live demo, drop in when Hari freaks out some poor soul, aided by your's truly. (I must admit it, Hari is the master at this, and I've learnt from the master.. :D ).

I've given out some trade secrets, but this is, as the secret agents say, "For your eyes only".
The next time you see me contradicting you, you know what I'm upto!!! :)

STATUTORY WARNING: Freaking Out People is NOT injurious to health!

Disclaimer: Messrs Hari and Bhargav claim no responsiblity of the aftermath of freaking people out after having read this post. For safe results, try on "Good Friends" only.

So, Who's on your FREAK-LIST today?

Here We Go

2007-08-03T07:25:00.000-07:00

Soccer Fever has struck MindTree... The much awaited Foundation Cup is finally here... And me is glad to be a part of it this time as well... Reminds me of the good ol' college days... Those were the days when i'd have scored more goals in football than in my internals and final exams combined... Sigh...

Cut to the present, I'm very keen to play football because it keeps you healty and fit...A healthy mind in a healthy body...Aaargh crap... Mostly because I get to bunk work citing "football practice" ... Yeah, off late, I've been offering some really lame reasons to escape from work... The most prominent one being "I am pondering over the future of the country" (When I was caught snoring away to glory)...

Anywayz, back to the football cup at MT... 52 teams participating with 10 per side and nearly 30 people from each team to cheer them... Add to that some really jobless people who go and cheer for people even if it were a kyocera vs mphasis match.. (For non Global Village residents/rodents, kyocera and mphasis are companies that share the same campus with us). Now, basic math would tell us that the total no of people on the field for all matches would exceed 2000... (Hmmm..Wonder how they are managing to pay our salaries still)...

Again, me has this habit of digressing too much from the topic... At the moment, me is comparing myself with the legendary Davor Suker - Winner of the Golden Boot in '98 WC to sitting on the bench in the '02 WC... Yeah... It's quite the same in my case as well... Leading goal scorer for my team (if not the tourney) in the previous cup and close to being dropped for offering lame excuses to drop out from practice sessions... I'm part of MUFC.. Nope..Not Manchester United Football Club (though, i'd have loved to be part of that)... But MindTree United FC... The first match is on Sunday and I will be wearing my customary Ruud V. Nistelrooy (in Manchester United) shirt... I hope to injure the other striker...No,No...Not the striker from the opposition team... I hope to injure the striker of my team - SO THAT I GET TO PLAY!! (That was the Eric Cartman in me, speaking).

Whatevar happens, whether I get to play or whether I get to play, I want to do a repeat of last year... i.e. official commentator for the finals. This time, the Lee Jordan in me is eagerly waiting to pop up... And boy, I'm gonna love it...

Cupid Strikes the ME!

2007-07-23T05:29:00.000-07:00

Readers, non-readers, aliens, other kind of species who know how to operate a computer, here is a request: Please, and I repeat, Puhleez, bear with this post of mine. Request you to read the enitre post no matter how disgusting or how repulsive it is, no matter how faggy it appears, no matter how obviously cliched it might sound, kindly devote some of your valuable time and read this to the last bit, for, I am sure, many of you or atleast some of you might have experienced something similar, something wonderful, something magical.

I have always believed in the fact that there is someone, somewhere in the whole wide world, who is made for you and just you. Someone, with whom you'd love to spend the rest of your life, however short it might be. Someone, whose mere presence would raise your spirits. Someone, of whom, you simply cannot have enough. Someone, who makes you feel happy, secure and appreciated.

There comes a time in life, when you have to choose. Choose between that special someone and the rest of the world. You will be envied by some, admired by others when you are seen with this special someone. And no matter how tough it might be, you'd be ready to do anything, I mean, anything and everything, to be with this special someone.

In short, it means that you are in LOVE with that special person. Having said this, I hereby announce to the world and am proud to do so: I AM IN LOVE.

Realization struck me as I began to exhibit certain strange tendencies, like blabbering nonsense, muttering incoherently when I'm with my sweetheart. My heart beat quickens, my mind goes blank, hands go numb every time I see this person. I feel a pang of jealousy if I see any another person with this person, an urge to rip that person's heart and feed it to the dogs. I'd go to any extent, resort to any extreme means to reach out to this person. It has become a quest, a quest to the point of obsession to make this special person mine. When I look into the eyes of the person in question, I realize the true meaning of life. Life is the person, that person is life.

Although I am deeply in love with this person, my feelings haven't been reciprocated. I feel lost at times, depressed at other times and I always have this feeling that this person shall never be mine. I have been trying to fight a losing battle within my heart. The sane part of me, tells me that I should forget about this person and get on with life. The other part of me tells me that I should pursue my heart's desire, for, there is nothing else that matters to me.

Folks, I've uploaded this post just to reach out and seek help from all those who have loved, loved and lost. Could you please help me get out this state of madness? Could you suggest a remedy to cure me of this illness? Could you help me to unite with my sweetheart? If yes, please find the attached picture(s) of my sweetheart:

You can either transfer the same to my bank account or give it to me in person. It's all up to your convenience. The various caps or slabs that can be transferred can be obtained from one of my previous posts: Money Matters (Most)

AJ(G)M of TPGPL

2007-07-15T09:36:00.000-07:00

Today's Annual General Body meeting (AJM) was probably the last one where all the members of Time Pass Gang Private Ltd, together spent quality time in Pizza Hut, had some hearty laughs and did Time Pass viz the main motto and the concept behind the inception of this company. There were two conspicuous absentees - Tiger (he wouldn't have missed this one otherwise) and Kunta (due to his recent expulsion).

Bubba is leaving for Mumbai to pursue his higher studies. Will probably see glimpses of him when he comes on vacation / intership. Same case with Bakra, but he's goin to be gone for a long time. We dont expect him to be back from the US of A very soon. Bande aka Deepak will be visiting the States on official purposes and we might not get to see him for the next part of the year.

This is just the beginning. There are still 5 board members of TPGPL but nah, the "gang" is as good as dissolved. The whole thing was well summarized by Bubba - "... And then there were none).

Wish you all the very best dudes, for all your future endeavours and yeah, keep the TimePass flag flying high.

One last hurrah to TPGPL... ADIOS AMIGOS.

Project Management - A Practical Approach

2007-07-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

Hah... I'm back after a long period of inactivity... Attribute that to my laziness, one of my newly discovered hidden talent...Being a couch potato is cool...Specially, when you have a dear mom who doesn't mind you sitting idly infront of the TV for nearly the whole day...

aaah...digressing too much from the intended topic of the post... Recently, I visited a book fair in which curiousity got the better of me and I visited a section which on almost all occasions, I conveniently ignore - the 'Management' section. (Huh..Who needs all that when you've got loads of fiction and fantasy).

There were these books that caught my eye "10 top HR strategies to retain employees", "How to keep your employees happy", so on and so forth... Flipped through a few of such books and there were truckloads of bul*crap that said, keep fun activities...Colour the walls... ask the Managers to motivate them , blah blah blah...

Now here is what I would do if I were the manager/HR/something other than the usual geek who sits infront of the computer typing "#include stdio.h" (I guess I got the syntax wrong ... but hell...the Microsoft editor will point that out to me)...

* Beg, borrow, steal (whatevar), get a project from PlayBoyy / Cosmopollitan /Pennthouse or similar magazines / TV channels.
Now, how would I convince them to give me a project? Boy, they dont need no convincing... All I need to do is tell them that people at our place are looking for an embedded device in the shape of a Playboyy bimbette. And voila!!! I have the project.

* Now, imagine the reaction of an employee when he hears that he will be part of a Playboyy project.. (WOWWWW!!!!!! Boy... Aint I living in a fantasy world). Which sane employee would leave the luxury and the benefits (read as favors) that can be obtained by working in such a project and jump to another company? There, you've taken care of attrition - one of the most feared words (feared by HR only) in the IT industry.

* Let us assume that some dude who is addicted to the net (read as surfing all banned and explicit sites) has seen enough of Playboyy and wants to quit to do lesser serious stuff. Send him onsite to the Playboyy office. This can be done on a round robin basis as well.

Sample this :

Software Engg 1(with full enthu): Magas, me is going onsite tomorrow, for one week.
Software Engg 2: Aaa naaice maga, which project?? (He'll be laughing internally, thinking... "what a jerk... he is so excited about going onsite.. I've been there 4 times).
Software Engg 1: aa Playboyy maga.
Software Engg 2: Playboyy is good..Sorry, the best.. But who is your client???
Software engg 1: macha.. Playboyy is my client. And some I-don't-have-brains-rest-all-is-fine chick is my manager there maga. I've heard that corporate couches are a must there.

News spreads fast and all his friends i.e. Software engineers (The world is filled with software engineers... Throw a stone high in the air.. 9 out of 10 times it will land on a Software engineer)...Coming back to my earlier statement.. Now all his friends will be queing up to join this company... There you go...Growth achieved...

Growth achieved, attrition curbed... what else do you want for a company to grow?? More projects??? Huh... With such projects being executed, who wouldn't want to be your client????

* One last point... Imagine, the benefits you would get if you execute the project well. (there is no "if"... I'd slog my arse off if it were to be Playboyy)... Ok... I'm still imagining the benefits... Free Playboyy magazines and cds to every employee... Plus, as a yearly bonus, 2 playboy models get to visit the offshore development center.. Man O Man...My imagination has gone into overdrive.

I've just kept Playboyy as the benchmark. You could always start off with other B grade local magazines as well... And for the other set of people who pretty much get disgusted with Playboyy and similar magazines... Hunt for a project on Man's World or similar magazines.

Ummm... I'd better have a talk with my manager regarding this... Who knows, I might get lucky...

Fortune favors the Me

2007-07-07T10:07:00.000-07:00

This post is/was not pre-planned. Just saw my orkut homepage and this is what I saw:

Dad - THANKS A TON!!!!!!

ERRATA

2007-06-17T23:29:00.000-07:00

In my previous post, I'd listed Jadoo Teri Nazar at the 5th spot. However, due to prolonged periods of non-hearing, I had totally forgotten about this song "Yaad Kiya Dil Ne Kahan Ho Tum" (Movie: Patita, Singer: Hemant Kumar). So, this song replaces the existing one i.e. Jadoo Teri Nazar.
As a footnote, If God were to come to earth in the avatar of a singer, he would most definitely have come in the form of Hemant Kumar.

The World Of Music in the Planet of M

2007-06-12T10:10:00.000-07:00

This post is way different from all my previous posts. I've been very serious in all my other posts and thought that this one should definitely be on a lighter note.

Let me quote Albus Dumbeldore - "Ah, music. A magic beyond all we do here!" (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone). It is magic, truly. What I want to share, is the list of my all time favorite songs and the reasons for them being my favorites. Here goes...

At No 10, is Kya Mujhe Pyaar Hai (Movie: Woh Lamhe, Singer: Kay Kay). This song would have topped my all time favorite list or probably stood in the top three (if not at 1), had the composer Pritam composed this all on his own. Though this song is a direct rip-off of the song Tak Bisakh by Peter Pan, the lyrics of the Hindi version is simply captivating. "..tum kyon chale aate ho, har roz in khwabon mein, chupke se aa bhi jao, ik din meri baahon mein..." Hats off to the lyricist.

At No 9 is Neele Neele Ambar Par (Movie:Kalaakar, Singer: Kishore Kumar). Absolutely mind-blowing guitar-play by whoever it was. This is one song that is close to my heart, again because of the lyrics which is mesmerizing. Listen to each word carefully and I am 100 % sure, every single one of us has the desire, to fall in love and in the same manner he describes in the song.

At No 8 there is a tie between Ina Mina Dika (Movie: Asha, Singer: Kishore Kumar) and Chala Jaata Hoon(Movie: Mere Jeevan Sathi. Singer: Kishore). Reason, these are two songs for all seasons. Just a perfect dose of music when you need to be cheered up.

Yeh Shaam Mastani (Movie: Kati Patang, Singer: Kishore Kumar) is placed 7th in my all time list. This is one song which I love to croon standing on the terrace of my apartment at 6pm in the evening watching a flock of parrots returning to their nests and with the breeze caressing my face.

At No 6 is Kahin Door Jab Din Dhal Jaye (Movie: Anand, Singer: Mukesh). Salil Choudhary at his best, I must say. Pure melody combined with heart rendering lyrics.

"...Dil jaane, mere saare, bhed ye gahare
Ho gae kaise mere, sapane sunahare
Yeh mere sapane, yahii to hain apane
mujhase judaa na honge inake ye saaye, inake ye saaye..."
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
The context or the picturisation of the song - even better.

At No 5 is Jadoo Teri Nazar (Movie: Darr, Singer: Udit Narayan). Shiv Hari weave pure magic as the song portrays a psychopath lover who would go to any extent to get his sweetheart. My favorite coz of the way Udit sings it. (And the lyrics). Another reason is that everytime I sing this song, I try to put myself in the shoes of the psychopath lover and I swear by everything that is holy - the feeling is very different, kinda scary as well.

At No 4 is Pal Pal Dil Ke Paas Tum Rehti Ho (Movie: Blackmail, Singer: Kishore). If I would ever propose to a girl, this is the song I would be singing when I'm on my knees. There is nothing else that I can say about this song.

Yeh Raatein Yeh Mausam Nadi Ka Kinara (Movie: Dilli Ka Thug, Singer: Kishore, Asha) is at the 3rd spot. I consider this to be the most romantic song in the history of Bollywood. The lyrics of this song are extremely sensual and weave pure magic and leave you mesmerized. I get transported to another world, where I picturize myself on a river bank, with a forest at the other end and a light moonlight that is the only source of light which reflects off the surface of the still water. Boy, i'm already there!

At No 2 on my list is Tum Pukar Lo from the movie Khamoshi sung by Hemant Kumar. Please listen to this song and you'll know why I like this. I do not have words to describe this song.

Before I finish this countdown with my ALL TIME FAVORITE SONG, here are a few songs that are close to my heart but do not feature in this list - Suhana Safar from Madhumati, Tera Muskurana from Jhankaar Beats, Dil Tadap tadap ke from Madhumati, Words by Boyzone, Love me for a Reason by Boyzone, Du Hast by Rammstein, Engel by Rammstein and Show me the meaning of feeling lonely by Backstreet Boys.

There is one song (without lyrics) that would require a special mention here and that is the Flute Song by Remo. The no of times I've danced to this tune in college are countless. Tapanguchi rocks!

The two songs that I are very meaningful yet saddening are Tanha Dil by Shaan and Koi Lauta De Mere Beete Hue Din sung by Kishore. These songs have a depressing effect on me though they are extremely melodious and meaningful. They remind me of my college days and the wonderful days I had with the closest of my buddies which brings a lump in my throat.

Now to the NUMERO UNO song - Yeh Raat Yeh Chandni Phir Kahan, Sunja Dil Ki Daastan (Movie: Jaal, Singer: Hemant Kumar). Let me quote Wikipedia here - "Till date, the sweetness of the melodious "Yeh raat yeh chandni phir kahan, sun ja dil ki dastaan", sung by the heavenly voices Hemant Kumar has not been equalled by any song of this type, composed by any music composure". I have nothing more to add.

Those were/are my favorite songs. What are your favorites?

MONEY MATTERS (MOST)

2007-06-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

I will be stealing the thunder of Othla by publishing this post. (Othla -> A person who does utter TP at the place where I work and gets away with it...mostly by getting an onsite opportunity). But heck, he cant have the both the cash and the thunder. I get to take the cash.

With my greying hair, and the increasing burden I put on my dad for refuelling the tank of my bike, I thought of calculating my market value. This, I thought, would offer some solace to my dad who has to bear with an outstretched hand (my hand), every single day. And me being the shameless creature that I am, ask for the cash everyday, without fail. It's been a mystery as to why he hasn't thrown me out of the house, yet. (He might be contemplating this).

Cut to the point, me is putting a quotation for myself with all my features and attributes and approximate a market value (read as dowry) that I expect from the bride (or groom).
Some of the phrases will be in the local dialect or atleast the direct english translation of the local dialect:

1. Me is Engineer - Value: Rs 50 lakh

2. Me is BE pass first time. (To be read as: I have graduated with a Bachelor's degree in Engineering without any backlogs... ) Value: Rs 50lakh + 10 lakh = Rs 60 lakh*.

(NOTE: All figures will be denoted in terms of the base value henceforth, viz 50 lakh)

3. Me is working (where??? That doesn't matter) - Value: Rs 75 lakh

4. Me Faarin return (To be read as: I have visited a country outside India) Value: Rs 1.5 Crore

5. Me can speaketh English - Value: Rs 1.9 Crore

6. English write me, English understand me - Value:Rs 2 Crore

7. Me is reddy, sorry, ready to learn any language of In-law's choice - Value: Rs 3 Crore

8. Me can ride bike - Value: Rs 3.5 Crore

9. Me can make Cup-Noodles very well - Value: Rs 3.75 Crore.

10. Me friend Othla was mentioning that in his caste, it is considered to be a prestigious issue to have a mistress. Me Say NAAICE for that. - Value: Rs 4.5 Crore*.

11. Me claims that me can play musical instrument (I dont expect my inlaws to verify that) - Value: Rs 4.51 Crore

12. Me plans to go to gym to build body (Like Chiranjeevi) - Value: Rs 8 Crore

13. Me is watches Chiranjeevi movies and consider Chiranjeevi to be the greatest star, ever- Value: Rs 20 Crore (Whoops what a jump!!!!)

14. Me doesn't mind the kind of bride I will be getting in exchange for the cash:
Clause a: For every physical deformity, I will charge an extra 5 crore.
So, the max I can expect is about 50 crore*.

Clause b: I dont mind if the Bride is fat. Every pound of extra flesh means a rise in the value
by 2 crore.

Clause c: Becoming a house-husband i.e. ghar jamai is acceptable but will come at an extra cost of 5 crore.

Clause d: For Rs 200 Crore, I dont mind if it is a BRIDE or a BRIDEGROOM*!!!!! (Half of the state, bordering Karnataka i.e. AP. should also be given away as free gift).

* - Conditions Apply. Read offer document carefully before investing.

I am not such a bad person as you might think I am. I have offered a generous once-in-a-lifetime discount of Rs 10000, as I dont match the description of being tall, dark and handsome. * (Again: * - Conditions Apply).

Oh, just as a footnote: The above amount mentioned is exclusive of 12.5% VAT and all other income tax complications.

ANY TAKERS????????

PUB-(H)LIC VENTURE

2007-05-19T12:00:00.001-07:00

After a lot of pondering, confusion and innumerable no of phone calls, we decided to visit one of the pubs in Bangalore. Purple Faze or Haze or some such thing... For starters, I've got no clue as to what these guys think while naming the pubs.. And me being a saint that I am, have (mis)understood 'pub' to be a prefix of the word 'lication'.

All said and done, the five of us met at this place Purple Gaze and me was in the highest of spirits...(Not in the literal sense. I abstain from consuming spirit). When I first looked at this place I felt the same way as any Muggle(non-wizard) would after seeing No 12, Grimmauld Place(For details, read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Chapter 2/3).

When I yanked the door open, a blast of 'something' hit me and I'm positively sure I do not know what that something was. (Or to be more precise, I cannot describe what that something was). I saw some creature that remotely resembled a homo-sapien writhing on the floor convulsing rapidly. The 'playing-the-good-samaritan' instincts took over and I searched for a piece of iron to give it to this person who was suffering from a bout of fits. Thankfully, I stopped myself, (just in time), seeing a lot of people not bothered about him and going about their daily routine without so-much as a glance towards him. Karthik had the grace to shout over the din that he was 'Ed-barging'. (or was it 'Head Banging'?)
Phew!!! Pub visitors - 1 Bhargav - 0

5 min later I had a distinct feeling of something throbbing and it took me another 5 minutes to realize that the 'something' happened to be my head. Sitting right next to the source of the noise (the TV/screen/something where a few more crazy dudes were clanging all the metals that can be found in the Periodic Table), gave me an opportunity to observe the 'crowd'(The sole reason for me to visit that place was because of an anonymous tip-off who mentioned that the place would be swarming with the offsprings of Hens). The dudes and dudettes all the other tables were rocking back and forth.(something that looked like a continuous sequence of "I'm gonna fall now.. Oh no, I'm not.. I'm gonna fall now.. No, I'm not")... Whacky antics to attract a person's attention...
Pub visitors - 2 Bhargav - 0

Couple of minutes later, some guy came up to me and whispered something into my ear... (On any normal occasion, I'd have thought that this guy was making advances..but sanity prevailed here)... After running and re-running whatever he said to me for umpteen no of times in my mind, I figured out that he was the waiter asking us to place our order... Me being a toteetaler (or was it teetotaler), had to nudge Karthik (who seemed to be rocking like a pendulum)to place the order. Several minutes/hours/light-years after that, this waiter came to our table holding something that looked like an oversize candle with something sticking out.. Sibin,Karthik and Sarang took deep puffs and blew out smoke while it was a quite a funny scene watching Chubby do it..(he took a deep breath and inhaled some of the stuff but to our amusement, nothing came out). (Note: Me abstains from inhaling anonymous liquids/gases). Oh, i'd just found out that that candle with a wick was popularly known as "Hukka".
Pub Vistors - 3 Bhargav - 0

3 Pitchers later, tongues were loosening and Sarang, Sibin and Karthik were muttering something about "Salvation", "Best friends", "I'm not drunk totally"... (That's what everyone says..I mean, who would want to admit it that they are drunk"). I had an urge to rush up to the bartender/DJ and ask him to play Kishore Kumar songs (that too slow ones), but again, the rush of adrenalin was stemmed when Karthik gave me a "You-must-be-a-wierdo-to-do-that" look. (Plus, the urge to eat curd rice at that point of time had to be curbed due to the same reasons).
Pub Visitors - 4 Bhargav - 0

At 11.15, the owners of the Pub had the courtesy and the decency to turn off the music... (thank the present Govt for the late night rules, version 0.3 reviewed by HDK himself). By this time, it was me who was muttering gibberish (though I hadn't touched a drop of that goddam* alcohol). Karthik stood up to imitate some jack-ass who was playing an imaginary guitar, but thank god, they switched off the TV.. (Else, I would have seen two rare species on the same night)..
Pub Visitors -4 Bhargav - 1

I reached home almost at midnight, after dumping Karthik at Sarang's place. Sibin was hollering loudly about eating an ice-cream. Sarang was laughing for any and every sentence. Karthik wore dark sunglasses while he sat behind me. (to think of it - Dark glasses at midnight. We were close to getting arrested for such a pathetic sense of dressing). Chubby was having a "What-the-heck-have-I-gotten-myself-into" look.

I was lucky, my parents were sleeping, else I'd have gotten a huge boot in my backside. And I also happened to set a record for being the first person to have visited a pub without having a drink/smoke whatsoever. (And yet, had a set of clothes that were stinking and I was smelling as if I'd just walked out of a gas chamber..Just hoping that my mom doesn't get to know).

And if you think I'm never gonna visit a pub again...HECK, YES, I WILL!!!! Not to smoke or to booze but just to increase the count to Pub Visitors - 4 Bhargav - 4!!!

Disgustingly Despo

2007-04-30T21:48:00.000-07:00

I'll keep this one short and straight to the point.

This blog space hasn't been recieved well by my admirers/detractors/rest of mankind.
I've been penning away articles that are worth publishing (you could also convert them to movies) and all I see is that I am the only one who reads them.

It's been nearly 7 months since I've started blogging and all I see is 900 on my site meter. Either the site meter has been malfunctioning or it has been malfunctioning.

I am having a tough time visiting my own blog nearly 20 times a day (after clearing all the cookies in my computer), just to increase the site meter count.

I had to stop writing Book Reviews(read post beneath this one) because of the exceedingly unmanageable number of comments I recieved for the first one. Publishers are queing up to me asking me to post more such reviews but lack of time and appreciation (read as comments) have forced me to take this extreme step(Not uploading any post for 2 whole months)!!!

For those who search for links within links within links as if they are on a treasure hunt (similar to profile hunters on Orkut ), i've also provided the links of my friends' blogs almost all of which are inactive. (Hurrah for that!!!)

So, what is preventing you from commenting for this one? (Dont give me lame excuses like I don't have time, or I don't like your blog, or Your blog aint funny, or You are a jackass or similar complements).

One final parting shot. "Truth manifests itself in terms of Contradictions. Contradictions lead you to the truth" - Thus spake...well...umm...(Name not mentioned for fear of losing my job. You don't quote your company's big boss and get away with it).

There you go. I've kept this one short and sweet.

BOOK REVIEW 1:

2007-02-09T01:49:00.000-08:00

Err...Ummm...Well...This idea is a rip off of one of my friends' posts...(He has restaurant reviews to his credit).. But, duh, this one is better...I mean the entire blog... No offense meant Meese Mama (Meese: A derogatory term in kannada for hair on unwanted parts of your body like the face)...

Book: DETECTIVE
Author: Arthur Hailey

Plot: Nothing very specific. Gives you the description of the daily life of a detective. And yes, he takes one serial killing case to illustrate this. Extremely well written. The description of the killings are gory. Not advisable for children. Absolutely no loopholes. Hailey manages to link all the sub plots convincingly.

My take: MUST READ.
Rating: ****
High Profile Readers' Comments: "A sizzling read!A Hailey Masterpiece!!!!" - Bhargav

THE NAME IS DON, SHELDON

2007-02-07T01:09:00.000-08:00

Last week one of the greatest ever novelists passed away and this post is to pay my last respects to a prolific storyteller and one of my favorite authors.
There was a poll in the TOI on the next day after his death. I was quite surprised to see the 5 books, TOI thought were the best:
1. Rage of Angels
2. Sands of Time
3. Master of the Game
4. The Naked Face
5. Dont remember the name.

For all I know, these were by no means the best books by Sheldon. Not to sound immodest, but either my knowledge of fiction is poor, or TOI (times of india) has a crappy taste....How could they have missed out bestsellers like Windmills of the Gods (which created Angel - the best assasin in the whole wide world), or If Tomorrow Comes (Forgot the name of the protagonist, but she was one helluva con), or The Doomsday Conspiracy(My favorite and till date I consider many other books to be based with a similar storyline...IceStation(Matthew Reilly) and DigitalFortress(Dan Brown) included), or Tell Me Your Dreams(a tale well spun around Multiple Personality Disorder) or the GOD book - The Other Side of Midnight and it's GOD sequel - Memories of Midnight (I'm sure the character of Napolean Chotas would linger in the readers' minds).

I pay my last respects to the man, whose books made me switch from Hardy Boys to serious fiction.
May his soul R.I.P

PANTHER ATTACKED!!!!!

2007-01-25T02:47:00.000-08:00

What an outrageous thing to happen. Especially when they are endangered species. PETA must've started the protests by now. GODDAMMIT. It wasn't a 'PANTHER' it was 'PANDHER'. HAMBURGER. There is a conference room with a TV quite close to my cubicle (if you can call it a cubicle) and they are showing this footage of PANDHER being assaulted.

FAGS... Every single one of them... I'm not talking about PANDHER or PANTHER or whoever. I'm cursing the TV operator who is glued to TIMES NOW. I mean which sane person on earth watches TIMES NOW when you've got a whole lot of steamy commercials being aired on AXN.

The next set of goddamn ba****rds are these TIMES NOW journalists who are running and re-running the footage of Pandher being assaulted. I wonder if they are trying to get some sympathy votes for him. Or even worse, Ram Jethmalani might probably consider defending him. (That would just be the last straw: Ram Jethmalani calling Pandher a symbol of peace and a person who loves children just as he did while he defended that pot-smoking goddamn crunkie - Manu Whatever). Of course Pandher does love children, but not in the sense we are talking about. Or we could probably have that dickhead Jaffer Sharief taking out a procession in the communally (in)sensitive Shivajinagar to protest the inhuman treatment meted out to him by RSS (I don't know the connection between RSS and Pandher or his henchman Koli). Heck, that guy is a goddamn necrophiliac and a future politician (a successful one as well), so why show him in good light. For god's sake, that guy deserves a gruesome death penalty.. If possible pluck his fingers one by one and leave him to die a painful death.

I've still not recovered from the much hyped Ash-AB wedding (read Hari's blog on Aish set to marry AB's baby), or the Shilpa Shetty racism issue (dont Read Kunta's take on racism) and now this. (There is a storm brewing with Hema Malini's controversial comments as well).

I guess this is all a part of a big conspiracy to stop me from watching television.

I repeat...GODDAMN FAGS...EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!!!!!

BOOKS,BOOKS 'N' MORE BOOKS

2007-01-25T00:39:00.000-08:00

STATUTORY WARNING: If you are not a bookworm, or not one of those who like non-academic books, or one of those to whom I need to explain that "books" are not Extra-Terrestrial flying objects, please go the top right corner of this page. You will find a small box containing an 'X' mark. Please click on that to experience a magical effect. If you have any doubts related to reference books, then you may please keep them to yourself.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I'm going to write about the books which have given me good company for most part of my 23 year old stay on Planet Earth. Please note that these books have got absolutely nothing to do with the ones they prescribe in school, college etc etc. (Heck I am not qualified enough to write about them).

Let me start off with the books that I read when I was ummm..well just about old enough to read them... Misha, Tinkle... These books rock till date... For those of you who don't know who Misha is, first of all Misha isn't a who, it is a what. One of the better things to happen to the USSR. I guess they found out about my addiction to Misha and hence USSR had to disintegrate. (Mebbe they dint want me to be the future editor of Misha) Dont know whether it still exists. Tinkle, champak and chandamama can be classified as classics.. Every single one of them.. Purists might like to point out that 'the Bard' Will Shakespeare's novels are classics, I say...Screw them... Oh and yes, Gokulam was equally good as well...It was the cheapest of the lot (available at Rs 3 way back in 1990), plus it featured the Undir stories.

I'm not sure as to how many would have of Indrajal Comics (no..no..they are not the ones which were made into Mithun Chakraborthy movies).. These were our good ol' Phantom, Superman, Garth, Mandrake... I'm willing to offer all my earnings to the person who can procure the entire set of these books.

Cut to my middle school when teenage detective novels were the hottest selling stuff around...Or at least I was addicted to them.. Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew... Sounds childish now..But back then, it was every youngster's dream to be a detective. There was a friend of mine who wanted to join CBI after reading Hardy Boys. The last time I heard from him, he was a software engineer... Oh...Please dont club The Three Investigators into the Hardy Boys - Nancy Drew league... That series was a class apart (specially the ones written by Alfred Hitchcock). For those of you who are wondering as to why I have included Enid Blyton in this list: She was a Englishwoman and hence I abstained from reading her novels. The truth: I was too busy playing 'gully' cricket and yes, 'Third term at Mallory Towers' wasn't the best Enid Blyton book to start off with.

After reading almost the entire Hardy Boys collection (during which time, my dad was on the verge of throwing me out of the house for spending Rs2 everyday on the hardy boys books which I used to daily borrow from the local library), there were a couple of years that I wasted reading academics (If i'm right, that was PU-1 and PU-2). To think of it, had I spent those two years fruitfully, I might have ended up adding few more authors to my collection of "I finished them" list.

Post PU it was Agatha Christie for almost the rest of the summer. AND THEN THERE WERE NONE, MURDER IN MESOPOTAMIA, MURDER OF ROGER ACKROYD, HICKORY DICKORY DOCK, POIROT's LAST CASE still give me sleepless nights... I'm not a fag... I dare anyone to read AND THEN THERE WERE NONE sitting all alone in a room, with no one at home on a dark, rainy night and sleep peacefully after reading it.

Sidney Sheldon's THE DOOMSDAY CONSPIRACY had me hooked on to his novels (yes, Sidney Sheldon is a HE and not a SHE). I've often said that DIGITAL FORTRESS (by Dan Brown) and other similar books have been cheap imitations of this Sheldon's thriller. Hari would disagree with me on this count. I almost forgot, except for the SANDS OF TIME, all his other books are must read books.

Speaking of the other must read books, Mario Puzo sure has delivered cult books GODFATHER, THE SICILIAN, OMERTA, LAST DON, FOURTH K being just some of them. And after reading all these books if you consider Mario Puzo as God, then please DONT read FOOLS DIE or THE FAMILY. Chances are that you might end up retching the food you ate weeks ago.

Colin Forbes is the easiest of all authors to plagiarize. Create an imaginary character called Tweed, who is human, has Chacha Chaudhary's brains, a side-kick assistant called Paula Gray, and some sidekick sharpshooter (called Marler), a reporter (Bob Newman) and keep running from Britain to Germany to France to Spain and back to Britain with this Tweed character trying to save the world from the evil forces. Also create an assasin(preferably the son or daughter of a Knight/Earl) who has the nickname of a 3 year old whose identity you should reveal at the end of the book. Refrain from using the 'F**K' word in your book and there you go. You can name yourself as Colin Forbes and start publishing.

John Grisham is one author who can be compared to our very own Vinod Kambli. He delivers brilliant bestselling novels like PELICAN BRIEF, CLIENT, THE PARTNER and whatnot and just as you are about to classify him as one of the best author's till date he comes up with equally pathetic novels like KING OF TORTS and THE INNOCENT MAN. Hamburger.

Michael Crichton is GOD. I cannot praise him further. For those of you who aren't familiar with his writings, start off with any book other than STATE OF FEAR.

Robert Ludlum, Fredrick Forsythe, Jack Higgins, Tom Clancy - Some of the world's best 'espionage' tale-spinners. Most of their novels are bestsellers. Having said that, Matthew Reilly's novels are the most fast-paced novels I've ever read. (If you doubt this statement of mine, read AREA-7).

I wont comment on JK Rowling. Awaiting her seventh book. Will dedicate an entire post to her.

Despite having read so many books, I feel that the world is divided into two categories:
Those who have read the HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY and those who haven't. The single greatest book to be ever written. I rest my case.

@All those who read my blog: I've left out a lot of big names here. Partially attributed to my failing memory and also due to the monotony of the blog. Also partially because I got bored typing. Please feel free to click on Comments-> Post a comment and type the rest of the names.

TESTIMONIALS FOR ALL MY FRIENDS

2007-01-06T09:04:00.000-08:00

People,
Contrary to my previous posts which actually did not mean whatever I'd written...
Here is a post that comes truly from thy heart and everything written here is intentional and is intended to be
personal (quite contrary to the "Nothing Personal about it..")...
Lemme cut the crap and get straight to the point...

Of all the "crappy" set of fags I've got as friends (Note: Statement used by kunta in reply to my previous post and
I put a disclaimer here) I thought it would be a nice gesture on my part if were to reveal a few of their traits/personality/behaviour/whatever to mankind. This is a goodwill gesture on my part to homosapiens, so that they
dont form any "first impressions" about these people.

Let me start with the femme fatales (with due respect to the people of the opposite sex) first:
Also, names have been changed to protect privacy.

1. Nish:
- Also known as Jane Bond.For details refer holyplanet.com. The others know what i'm refering to
- Associated with alternate streets, roads, etc
- Mother to most kids including me.
- One of the butt of our marriage jokes (read on to find the other one)
- Respects Bangalore muls and condemns Geralites. (Any takers????)
- Has a pact with Sriram. (watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S for more details)

2. Shett
- Huge fan of Aishwarya Rai and other similar people
- The other person i mentioned in the previous para.
- Anti-Bandes
- Anti-Congress
- Tries to maintain "miss two goody shoes" impression but fails miserably.

3. Nachi
- The very fact that I've included him in this category is sufficient.

Moving on to the "Macho Men"

1. Hari:
- Hates Muls
- Hates Hippies
- Hates Bongs
- Hates the rest of mankind
In that order
- Self proclaimed gay

2. Deepak:
- Biggest Bande Hater
- Eric cartman of the group. Need I say more

3. Kunta:
- Pro Bande
- Pro congress
- Semi Pro Communism
- Tweek of the first order
- Big Asshole
- Considered to be a fag by many including yours truly.
- Butt of most jokes (unknown to him though)

4. Sharath:
- Most punctual
- Has a trace of English accent (DISCLAIMER: I am quoting Hari)
- Will tell you more about him once I understand what he speaks. (Again, Quoting Hari)

5. Yours truly
- The floor is all yours. Go to Comments -> Post a comment and start typing..

6. Tiger: ASE - Aunty Social Element (Thanks deepak). As the name suggests, this dude has totally the hots for any lady above the age of 40. He loves them preferably b/w the age of 50 and 120.Has taken up every shitty exam under the sun and has done this just to kill time.Absolutely concerned on the livelyhood of others esp. taxi drivers, pani-puriwallas etc. Hates MNC's esp the food joints but a huge fan of Pizzas and burgers.

7)Bakra : Named so for the obvious reasons.Is the living example of the phrase "Horny as a trout". Always looking for opportunities for meeting girls and this can be in the most innappropriate of situations(ex: he will do this to a bride at her wedding)

F.R.I.E.N.D.S FOREVER!

2006-12-22T09:20:00.000-08:00

As I watch the code on my monitor with a sense of despair, my mind wanders to some of the conversation and some of the events that have taken place in my life of late. I'm not one of those who you would typically classify as a "sentimental" person. However, there are certain times when you happen to say whatever comes to your mind... I guess this is one of those times...

I WILL NOT put a disclaimer here asking people about their interests. This is dedicated to a special set of people and I request you to read on no matter how much you might curse me at the end of this! Enough of prelude, let me get straight to the point...

Last week when Hari, Kunta and myself were chatting away to glory at our regular Adda i.e McDonalds Cunningham road, we happened to just talk about the year 2017. (Dont remember the exact context). That was when Hari said "Dudes, we dont know where we are going to be 10 years from now". That statement did not hit me until I was just tossing around in one of those sleepless nights (Courtesy: KPTCL). It was then that I realized the fact that gone are the days of our hanging together, our "putting adda", chilling out on some "katte" and talking sense and nonsense(Nonsense including "How to better our Country").

I fondly remember those wonderful days when we used to meet up in someone's house and ravage all the junk food while pulling the leg of group's bakra. Or those days when we ended up spending more time planning for the movie than going and watching it. Or the eager anticipation for the start of the trip (read as countdown which one of us i.e. Sriram( name changed to protect privacy) used to spam us with).
There have been fights, mostly petty ones but I still smile thinking about all the "weird" things we've fought about. And lots of other things which I am not able to recollect currently... I guess Bryan Adams' Summer of '69 should sum it up: "Those were the best days of my life"...

If I were to just recollect those days, the specifics elude me but all I hear is the collective laughter and the feeling of being on top of the world. The rest is all an aberration. It might sound as if I'm an age old grandpa recollecting the events of the previous six decades. The truth is that we still do the same thing whatever I've mentioned in the previous para, but it is on the declining mode. We might not admit that we've all drifted apart, but deep down if you keep count of the number of times we've been "hanging out" in the recent past, the 10 fingers in our hands are sufficient.

In a short while from now, some of us will move on with our careers (switch jobs or go onsite), some of us will continue with studies(few have left and there are some who will be leaving), some of us will get married. I'm not an astrologer who can predict what the future holds in store for us, but all I know is that I might be meeting some of them for the last time. (Who knows, we might bump into each other sometime later).

I just want you to know that I will miss each of you very badly and it will be a void that cannot be refilled. I'm glad that I have such great friends... guys with whom i don't have to wear a mask on my personality... guys who don't judge me by my flaws... guys with whom I can share all my joys and sorrows... and guys who are the most level headed people...

Well, lots of people say that they've achieved a lot in their life and more often than not they are talking about fame or money or both. In such a short duration , I'm proud to have acquired a set of friends for whom I could pay all the money in the world just to relive those wonderful days, for whom I could die for!

All I want to say is that at any point in time, I will always be there for you!

AAAAA BALLZ

2006-11-26T07:33:00.000-08:00

Dudes and Dudettes, request you to kindly ignore my earlier post on the Indian Cricket Team (mebbe I was sloshed when I wrote that). Anyways, here's my message to the individual members of the Cricket Team. Hope dept of posts hand delivers this to our "boys" who are getting f*&ked in the backside in some remote continent.

@Sehwag: I guess the milk you've been drinking isn't coming from the right sources. Try Amul milk next time.

@Kaif: Try for the 100m dash in some slum in your hometown. You might come second.

@Raina: Go study for your class IX exams

@Mongia: You must be a real ass-licker to still be in the team. I guess your tongue might be worn out by now after all the licking

@Dhoni: Mysore sandal soap isn't making you any fairer. Try Lux next time.

@Agarkar: Stand in front of the mirror and practice some emotions.

@Harbhajan: Try Rapidex English speaking course. Helps you to curse better.

@Pathan: Year's ago people termed you as a potent weapon with the ball. Dude, go watch some PORN. You're impotent!

@Dravid: No use mate, you need the other guys to perform as well. You can as well stay at home.

@Sachin: Dude, dont think I'm gonna call you the last crusader etc etc. YOU SUCK BIG TIME!

@Dada: Go Fu&K yourself!

@Any others in the team: Do some ads right away. This may be your last chance.

@Guru Greg: I've got two words for you "UP YOURS!"

Indian Cricket is Dead. Long Live Indian Cricket!

MORE CONTRADICTIONS...

2006-11-09T21:05:00.000-08:00

Contd From Part 1:

Recap: These two posts (check out the previous one as well) are dedicated to a good friend of mine (Harikrishnan S aka Students aka Arbitrary Hari).. He has been bestowed with the honorary Arbitrary title because of his ability to speak bullsh*t fluently. Only those close to him know that he is bullsh*tting while lesser mortals look at him in awe. Read on to know more about this genlte giant who is also a pukka a**hole.

I'll now relive those moments which saw arbitrary Hari transform into a man of contradictions (note that the steve waugh incident could also be considered for the same but the author has the right to change the roles as and when he likes).
Semester 6 exams had just ended and as usual the four of us (Deepak, Adarsh, Hari and myself) found ourselves in some deep sh*t courtesy the microcontroller paper which nearly left us in tears (DSP was also bad and so were the other 4 subjects, not to mention the labs). Only the 3 of us had been recruited by two "Janata"(mass recruiters) companies i.e. Infy and MindTree. Our pal Hari, as expected, delivered loads of bullcrap in his interviews and ended up goofing them. At this point, Kunta, Deepak, Nachi, Sharath, Meese mama (smiley) and myself (The IEEE - gang) decided to conduct mock interviews for Hari.

Scene1:
Location: Our adda during the IEEE days (PDS mam's room)
Starring: Deepak, Kunta, Smiley, Nachi and Bhargav as the interview panelists of some arbit company (God knows what would have happened to the company if all five of us were in the same company).
Actor in Negative Role: Harikrishnan S

The scene: Hari enters through the door walks all the way to the panelists. All of us are staring at him intently.
Smiley: Did we ask you to come in?
Hari (innocently): Can I come in? (The other four panelists were trying hard to maitain a straight face).

Hari then rests his heavy bu*t on the chair in an awkward manner(God I don't have words to describe how he actually did it).

Smiley: Did we ask you to sit down?
Hari(Springs up on his toes): Can I sit down?

Smiley: What do you have in your hand?
Hari (clutching his resume as if it were his prized possestion): My resume. (doesn't bother to hand it over).

Smiley: So, aren't you supposed to hand it over to us?
Hari (realization dawning over him): Oh,Here sir, Here is my resume (He was still reluctant to part with it).

This was when we decided to stop the interview and made him go over the routine again and again till it resembled something that was acceptable if not perfect.

Note: We had a tough time having him practice some basic etiquettes.

Scene 2:
Location: Lecture Complex.(our timepass-adda)
Starring: The same set of people

The scene: Hari has now perfected the art of entering the interview room elegantly and greeting the interviewers. Now to the actual interview.

Kunta: Tell me something about yourself
Hari: Blabbers some nonsense and is done within 15 seconds (surprising for Hari's standards).
Kunta: Ayyo cha*per, blade haku anta chance kottaga blade hakalvalla neenu...

Hari then rants something about himself for about a minute.

Deepak: Are you a money-oriented person?
Hari: NO!
Deepak: Suppose we pay 4.5 L p.a and tomorrow another company offers you 5 L p.a. will you join them because of the money?
Hari: Yes (we are stunned)
Deepak: That means you are money oriented
Hari: (Unfazedly) Yes

We were trying hard to contain our laughter. (The gravity of the situation demanded so).

Smiley: Are you planning to do higher studies?
Hari: (Emphatic) NO! (Someone had told him that such things should not be mentioned in the interview).
Sriram: Even if the job demands you to do higher studies and if we were to encourage you, would you still opt out?
Hari: (Again, emphatically) NO! I am not going to do my higher studies.

This is when we keyed the term "HARIism" to all those statements that contradicted the previous statements.
After 3 hours of such mock interview, Hari was still the lively man that he always is. I guess, the pic i've attached below describes our state at the end of the mock interview. (I attribute my receding hair line to that day's interview).

Not much has changed since then, but the only thing (a significant development) is that Hari Uncle manages to maitain a straight face (previously, realization used to dawn upon him and this was visible in his facial expression).
Well, there's more to this guy. I've just mentioned the most significant "contradictions" aspect of his. The other aspects are not worth mentioning!

And who knows some day I might get to write another post on another significant contradiction (oops contribution) by Hari!

CONTRADICTIONS GALORE!!!

2006-11-06T22:47:00.000-08:00

Statutory Warning: Knowing this person could be injurious to health

This post is dedicated to a person who is a unique specimen. A one of his kind... (The world would be better off without him...and more of such species would have resulted in a catastrophe).

Meet Mr Harikrishnan S aka Students, 6ft 2" tall, weighing over 200 pounds and has a tongue that outruns his other physical attributes..

The first day I met him, our pal had just got a branch change from Computer Sci and was using jargon unknown to most..
Deepak, Adarsh and myself were the first to hear his Hari-isms(a term that I plan to describe in detail a little later).
Here's Hari for you during the early years:

Hari: Naanu ninge SPAM madbidtini... (come-on, during first sem, I had absolutely no clue of what SPAM stood for... Heck, I didn't even have an email id then... I just thought that it was abbreviation for somekind of curse...)

And during those initial days, our pal had a rare quality (jeez, it aint rare, it's the only one of it's kind)... Here's how the conversation used to go:

One of us: Hari, bartiyeno football adakke?
Hari: Illa kano, telephone bill katt beku (damn, it's 6am in the morning)

Another occasion:
One of us: Hari, yeno madta iddiya
Hari: Ille electricity bill kattuta iddini (it's only around 9.30 pm in the night)

Oh the other Hari popped up in semester 3.. (God knows where he'd disappeared in semester 2)... And this time he was back with a bang..Sledging his way through.. ( I remember, the batsman at the crease was virtually in tears when Hari who was positioned as short cover shouted "This guy has NO TALENT!!" )...

Cut to semester 5; Hari, Deepak and myself are sitting in the library (one of the rarest sights second only to the UFO spotting in some non-descript town in Uncle SAM's backyard).
Adarsh on his way to borrow some books stops by and the conversation drifts to Steve Waugh:

Hari: Steve Waugh yeno gabbu bowler... Slow agi urlkond baratte...
Adarsh: Aaae illa ley, bejan fast haktane..bouncers yella haktane..
Hari: Adu houdu, pace iratte avana bowling alli..

That was just the beginning...Or that's when we began to concentrate on what Hari actually said. It's quite tough to describe in words his facial expression when he knows that he's contradicted himself before he has completed his uncontradicted version. (These days, it's the same old Hari , but with a straight face. His acquaintances look up to him with awe.If only they were able to concentrate on what he says ...)

Writing about Hari aint a one day affair...So, let me go the Ekta Kapoor way and say To Be Continued...

FROM RICHES TO RAGS

2006-11-03T02:07:00.000-08:00

As I mulled over my current financial status (which isn't something good), I did some mental math and came to the conclusion that I would have had a cool 1,00,23,040 bucks in my bank account had I used my head.

For those who haven't figured out how a bummer (slang for beggar) like me would have so much of cash, the calculation is explained stepwise:

1. Four years of engineering. Each sem has 6 subjects + 2 labs.
2. Therefore total no of subjects = (6sub * 8 semesters)+(2 labs*8semesters) = 64 . (Note: The assumption here is that there are no backlogs. If there are backlogs, please add the same to the no of subjects).
3. Let us term this as a variable called No_of_Subjects. (My software engg skills are coming into picture here)

PLEASE UNDERSTAND THE REASONING BEHIND EACH STEP NOW ON:

4. Each subject has roughly around 3 reference books + 1 VTU book.

5. At the beginning of the semester, 1 reference book would have been purchased/borrowed from the library (Oh, just purchased and NOT read). That leaves me with 2 reference books + 1 VTU book.

6. No of chapters to be studied to attempt 5 questions in exam = 6 (Roughly)

7. No of pages per chapter = 50 (approx).

8. Therefore, total no of pages to be read = 50*6=300

9. Total No of pages from the 2 reference books + 1 VTU book = 300*2 +300*1=900.

10. Total No of pages throughout the engineering course = 900*No_of_Subjects = 57600 = No of pages that need to be photocopied.

11. Cost of photocopy = 0.40Rs per page.

12. Total cost of photocopy = 57600 *0.40 = Rs 23,040

13. No of Redundant photocopies = 1000 (redundancy might be caused by getting the same book photocopied twice or by having the genius to take a photocopy of book owned by oneself..psst..one of my friends actually did it..)

14. Total cost of redundant photocopies = 1000 * 0.40 = 400

15. Total cost of photocopies = 23,040+400 = Rs 23,440.

So, there we are. A stepwise explanation to achieve the mentioned at the top of this post.
Oh and yes, for those of you who are wondering where the other 1,00,00,000 Rs fits in:
....
....
....
....
....
GO ROB A BANK!!

I almost forgot.. Himesh can't sing!!!

TO CUT A LONG STORY SHORT...

2006-11-02T02:12:00.000-08:00

I've drawn some flak for my previous posts. (the criticism was that the blogs were too taxing and voluminous for the reader). Well, I've decided to keep this one short.

"我有許多工作。我不是失業的"
"J'ai un bon nombre de travail. Je ne suis pas sans emploi"
"나는 일의 제비를 가지고 있는다. 나는 실직 중이 아니다 이지 않는다"
"Έχω τα μέρη της εργασίας. Δεν είμαι άνεργος"
"Ich habe Lose Arbeit. Ich bin nicht arbeitslos"

FIGURE THAT OUT SUCKERS!!!

Well... I'm done. Nothing more to pen for now.

INTERNAL AFFAIRS!!!

2006-10-31T04:03:00.000-08:00

It's that time of the day when your vision becomes hazy and you begin to see 2 objects instead of 1... Naaaah, it aint 11pm, it's 2.30 pm on a dull afternoon with my damager, oops, manager keeping a constant watch on me... Aaaaaaaaa b@llz to him... Let me continue with my post!!!
Here goes ...

Today, after lunch, Karthik and myself were chattering away to glory(as usual) much to the dispair of Chubby and Sibin who had to listen to us patiently.. (Raghavendra - Chubby's tech lead was snoring away to glory under the coconut tree)... And as usual we come up with some topic that would leave me nostalgic. Oh yes, today we spoke about the days in college we were at our notorious best... I'm talking about the days in college when we had internals...

Cut to Semester 1, somewhere in 2001, when Deepak and Hari struck a deal with chemistry lab budda (translated as "old man" for those who are unfamiliar with these jargon)... The chemistry internal paper cost us a hefty sum of Rs 50.. (oh i almost forgot, we made quite a bit of profit out of this. Half the class parted with Rs 5 each for the paper and we ended up with the question paper plus a profit of 100 bucks and I'm sure NR Bhat and Suraj would want their money back on hearing this)...

Cost of Question Paper: Rs 50
Cost of Xerox: Rs 20
The look on the lecturer's face when he sees me scoring 25/25 without attending a single class: PRICELESS!!!!

And the fact that we did it again for our second internals just proved that the first one was no accident!

This was just the beginning of our 4 year course which saw us face about 100 internals. And at the end of it all coming out unscathed, if you can call it that.
By the end of the first semester copying was almost a unwritten rule. And it wasn't that we were looking down upon people who actually studied. We needed such people. We needed a source as well!!!

Second semester saw most of us reaching college an hour or two before the internals. (something that was conspicuously absent during regular classes). The fear of losing a seat next to the topper (or someone who had studied for that subject) got our asses going early in the morning. Oh yes, the 3 hour gap between internals were very well utilized. We saw many emerging soccer stars from our class, your's truly included. (I had to mention this :) )

In the third semester there was a new revelation in the form of Harikrishnan S. I vaguely remember Deepak whispering "resistance b/w tracks" or "electromagnetic induction" or some such thing during the ECET (One screw#d up subject) and till date God knows what Hari saw in those two phrases. He went on to write a novel in the given 1 hour span that would have made Sidney Sheldon or Jeffrey Archer proud. (God save the evaluator if he ever evaluated that paper).

We met Sriram aka Kunta (a third class rascal from Info Science dept) somewhere in the middle of the fourth semester and he was one step ahead of all of us. A true engineer that he was he made use of the existing technology, Solar energy, Lunar energy etc etc and all the other non-descript energies in the world and came out with a path breaking innovation... "DATA IMPRESSION"... Sounds Hi-Fi, but the ground reality was that it was just a simple and effective way of using pressure of the ball point pen (supposed to be another great invention..but this time not by any one of us) and writing the answers without actual ink.
At this point of time, I must mention that there were some loud shouts of protest from Archana, Nisha and Shilpa (Angels (of charlie's angels fame) - we call them, though they are not what we call them, rather the opposite). Oh yes, ethics and values were their key points!! Despite the vociferous protests, we actually implemented it and it worked out very much to our favour. To anyone who said "Honesty pays" our question was simple "By cash or kind".

From the fifth sem onwards it was a radically new approach taken. Most often there used to be a contest as to who would come out of the hall first. We saw people coming out in 3 min (a record held by me and which I thought should be mentioned... I'm bragging about myself, but hell, this is my blog, so I gotta do it). Football sessions were an integral part of the 3 hour break I mentioned earlier.

Copying became an "Art" in the truest sense. Some were gifted with it by birth. Others developed it after sheer hard work. Fudging from the text books was done only when the football sessions were absent.

Right thoughout this post there hasn't been a single of instance where I've said that I studied for the internals. I haven't mentioned it coz I dont lie and dont want to write about things I didn't do.

Enough bragging...
Some highlights of my 4 years stint:
- Sampath getting caught by KGS (goddamit, he was dumb enough not to cook up an story and instead admitted to copying..well no prizes for guessing what happened after that...KGS didn't take no pity)
- Rohit Ganguly copying word to word from Suraj...Bugger did not even leave the spelling mistakes..(Oh yes, BKV figured that out).
- Hari filling up a 40 page blue book with an input of 2 phrases from Deepak.
- Kunta running from first bench to last bench under the eyes of the so-called invigilator.
- Karthik and Purtod getting caught by MLS - our HOD (MLS conveniently neglected that coz Purtod and Karthik were kinda the most studious guys..had it been anyone else ...) for fudging right from the book.
- Me (the great) submitting an empty blue book to MLS (to think of it, I had the nerve to do it then) and walking out with a nonchalant shrug (DBMS internals) after 3 min (God knows how I survived that one).

All of us waiting for the invigilator to show up and then choosing the appropriate class room (it so happened that we used to end up 4 in a bench).
-Many more which I'm not able to recollect. If anyone remembers any other significant incident or if you so happen to just read this post and associate yourself with it and have a similar experience please feel free to post an arbit (arbitrary) comment. (Am doing some shameless advertisement :D :D )

I'd stop it here... Oo..I'M SO GONNA GET MY ASS KICKED FROM MY MANAGER!!!

One parting shot!!! HIMESH still can't sing!!!! (@Akshay - up yours!!!!! :) )

OOH AAH INDIA, AARGH YUCK INDIA!!!!!

2006-10-29T22:13:00.000-08:00

Annihilate , Decimate etc etc... These terms are still too mild to describe what the mighty Aussies did to India yesterday (29th of October 2006)...

I've been reading a lot of posts that analyze, chastise India's performance on the field. Most of them are ardent Ganguly fans who seem to think that sacking Chappel, Dravid and bringing Ganguly back into the Indian team is the solution to all woes. Aaaaargh BULLSH*T!!!!!!!!!

For starters, Ganguly WAS a good player. Not anymore. And to get into the team you need to look at the PRESENT performance not PAST records. If people want Ganguly back into the team looking at his previous records, then Kapil Dev and Sunil Gavaskar should also play... Let's face it, Ganguly's days as a player are over. All he can do is appear in a Pepsi commercial hoping that the selectors look at his acting performance now.

Secondly, I feel it is unfair to just blame Dravid and Chappel for this pathetic performance. A coach and captain influence the outcome of a match only to a certain extent. However, the final performance is individual. If a batsman like Sehwag does not show any remorse after being dismissed for an atrocious shot which he calls "playing his natural game", the captain can atmost rebuke him. But it is upto the player to rectify his mistake and not commit the same blunder.

What needs to be improved in the current Indian cricket team:
1. USE YOUR HEAD: I presume everyone has sufficient amount of stuff in the "upper chamber" of the body. If that is filled with vaccum, then God save the team.

2. BODY LANGUAGE: The most lacking aspect in the current team.One boundary from the batsman, or some chin music from the bowler and you end up seeing drooping shoulders. Half the match is played in the mind/attitude and once that is lost, there is a slim chance of winning a match unless the opposition is West Indies who have an uncanny knack of goofing up the simplest of things. Expect no quarter and give no quarter to the opposition. Learn from the Aussies in this department. At no stage in the match do their shoulders drop. They are intimidating at every instant and pounce on the slightest of fear shown by the opposition.

3. PREPARE: Use the technology, identify your mistakes and rectify them. Learn from the champions what they do differently. Practice makes a man perfect sounds cliched but it still holds good.

4. STICK to CRICKET ONLY: For Christ's sake we have specialized actors who can perform on Television. We want our cricketers to bat, bowl and field well, not show their emotions well in commercials. No one cares if Dhoni's complexion turns fair after his usage of Mysore Sandal soap, as long as he is good behind the wicket and with the bat.

The team has talent but no grit and determination to perform. Added to it, there are some players who are on borrowed time.

A note for those who think cricket can be made more entertaining by wearing revealing clothes while anchoring or by using jargon that are 5000 feet above sea level. Cricket is a sport; spelt as S-P-O-R-T and not TV S-O-A-P.

Ms Mandira and Mr.Sidhu, I hope you are listening.

Also, HIMESH RESHAMMIYA can't sing for nuts!!!!!

It's A Small World Out There

2006-08-12T12:03:00.000-07:00

May 18th 2006:
00.00 hours IST: Indian Airlines flight from Bangalore to Singapore delayed by an hour and half.

Five and half hours later after what seemed to be a never ending flight, I step out and take a deep breath. I've landed in a country which does not discriminate based on caste or creed, a country where crime is unheard of, a country where people "mind their own business".

3000 miles away from corruption, politics, traffic I feel relieved to enter into a country where law is paramount. The first thing that strikes me is the magnificient Changi Airport - Winner of the Best International Airport for the 'n'th consecutive time. As I walk to the lobby of the aiport awestruck by its grandeur my mind quickly goes into a "Spot the 6 differences" mode: Bangalore Airport v/s Singapore Airport. Hell, I think of 600 hundred differences ranging from the "paan stained" airport premises in Bangalore to the pleasant immigration officer at Changi.

Fifteen minutes later I watch in awe as the taxi driver sails through the well laid roads. I feel he is gliding over the roads, not riding on them. I close my eyes as he rapidly accelerates, awaiting the moment of screeching brakes bracing myself for the impending crash. Much to my surprise he has coolly overtaken the car opposite us without much ado. I strain my ear to hear any verbal abuse from the driver of the other car. I am surprised, he has just shifted gears and is focussed on the road ahead. The taxi driver takes me to the hotel in a matter of minutes. I expect him to haggle the moment I get out and I prepare myself mentally. I am astonished as he gives me a print-out of the bill and politely says "Thank you sir. Have a nice trip".

To switch rapidly from a city of utter chaos to a well organized robotic city is asking a bit too much. My "Bangalorean" instincts got the better of me as I stepped onto the road from the footpath. Surprisingly, I was the only one to do so and suddenly it struck me. Jaywalking is an offence and the penalty to be paid is roughly around 100$. That would have meant a 2 day salary cut for me. I quickly hop back to the footpath and my eyes scan for a pedestrian crossing.

At the pedestrian crossing I'm surprised yet again when I find passing cars awaiting for the pedestrians to cross. On any normal day in Bangalore, I would have seen scurrying pedestrians and angry drivers. Well, lesson no 1 learnt. In Singapore, to honk is a sign of disrepect to the other person and the pedestrian is considered supreme.
I quickly learn that it is not hi-fi technology and gadgets that makes Singapore a clean city. It is the adherence to the rules laid down that makes it what it is.

For two weeks I am totally dumbfounded by all the high rise buildings, all the man made rainforests, the artificial beaches and artificial whatnots. For two weeks I go on with 'ooh' and 'aah' and 'wow : what a place..on the contrary, look at India..they cannot do such simple things..all they look at is money etc etc'.

For those who think I am making a God out of Singapore read on..

On 2nd of July, I am all set into move into a furnished apartment and my landlord offers to carry my luggage from the hotel to the apartment. Just to make small talk I ask him "So sir, how long have you been here?". "17 years" comes the reply. "How do you find the living here? You must be really happy". He cuts me before I could complete my sentence "I'm sick of this place la (la - a Singaporean equivalent for the Indian "da" ). I want to go to another country la". End of conversation.

At the end of my two-month stay in Singapore I have interacted with atleast 100 Singapore citizens (and I am talking about people whose ancestors started families in Singapore). I recieve the same response from each of them. I find a feeling of restlessness, an urge to break free from the monotony of life, a desperation to live in a place where one can live without having to worry about paying his/her monthly salary as fine for a forgivable offence. I find that money and technology can make high rise buildings and lot of other contraption but along with it comes a cost, a cost of being a prisoner bound to a set of extremely stringent rules and regulations.

I however do agree that there are a lot of positives that can be taken to make India better. As the famous RangDeBasanti dialogue goes "Koi bhi desh perfect nahin hota. use behter banaana padta hai".

I offer a silent prayer, thanking God that I have been born in India - a country that needs no artificial beautification, a country where I govern my life, a country which has the concept of large families/gatherings (as opposed to a "2/3 people is considered to be a group/family"), a country where I can hear laugther around and not the silence of a graveyard. I can think of a thousand other things that makes India unique but I restrict myself here.

"Mera Bharat Mahan".