Tuesday, May 22, 2012

A Tale of Two Foodies

Ok, I'm going to narrate a story.  Disclaimer first : All characters in this post can be considered fictional unless the reader wants to believe otherwise. (Names might be deceptively realistic).Readers may be forewarned that they might develop a distinct liking, hatred, disgust, admiration towards the protagonists. (The whole gamut of emotions). 

There are two characters central to the plot of this story - let us call them Biraja and Bhargav. Cutting edge tech gurus, future leaders, agile scrum masters they might perceive themselves as. However, in the eyes of the surrounding environment, they appear slightly different. Jobless, time-wasting, generally bitching, always-hanging-by-cafeteria,   nincompoops are commonly associated perceptions by all and sundry (minus the protagonists).

Cut to the plot where the big boss, let's call him TMB (name withheld on request), returns from a foreign trip and drops a note to his minions through his secretary that there are foreign sweets on offer. 

To give the reader a brief background, the lead star, Biraja, by virtue of being in a email distribution list which he is not supposed to be in, receives the invite. His immediate instinct is to ping his partner-in-crime, Bhargav updating him about the delicacies on offer. Both these esteemed gentlemen are on different floors in office and need to take two flights of stairs to reach the object of desire. (Read foreign sweets).

Leaving all pending work aside, the two souls dive to TMB's floor like thirsty camels heading to a watering hole. For good measure, Biraja, decides to empty his stomach to accommodate a second helping. 

Post the warm-ups, the duo head to the abode of the sweets only to find the big boss standing right in-front of the cubicle like a nosey gatekeeper taking count of the visitors at the carnival. 
To digress slightly, this TMB character can, at times, get as moody as a tiger that has been put on a strict vegetarian diet by its personal physician. So, caution is recommended while approaching a species of this kind.

For a split second, the 2 thugs contemplate a 180 degree turn back to their respective cubicles. But the love (combined with shamelessness) for free food propel them forward (though the steps are not confident any longer). The duo make an effort to look intelligent pretending to look for other colleagues to discuss on matters of utmost importance. The boss notices the duo shuffling their feet, looking hither thither...

Boss: "Aur, kya chal raha hai boss"... 
Simultaneous muttering (barely audible) heard: "Sir, Prakash sir.. looking for him, sir"... (and parallely) "Sir, Rajesh sir.. searching for him, sir".

Boss: "Hmmm"... (and heads back to his den)

Biraja seizes the initiative and enters the cubicle in an effort to get closer to the sweet box. To act intelligent and important, he searches for the above mentioned Rajesh and for the benefit of the entire floor shouts loudly (and in a disappointed tone) - "Lagta hai, aaj office nahin aaya hai".

Then in a nonchalant tone, exclaims - "Acha, chalo, aaye hain toh mithai khaa ke jaayenge".

(Note: At no point of time during the conversation with the boss or the secretary or any of the people around, were the 2 invited/offered for a spot of snack).

He (Biraja) picks up a white rubbery like bar (the sweet) and with an outstretched hand, hands it over to Bhargav, who is now viewing the object with a jaundiced eye.Almost simultaneously, he picks up another large chunk for himself and is about to bite it when the boss re-appears. 
More shuffling of feet by the duo, contemplating if a "thank-you boss", would be appropriate. Deciding against it, they scamper to the nearest exit like rats diving for a hole. 

On reaching the exit, they realize that the size of the sweet box, intended for the entire floor was probably slightly larger than a match box (just slightly) and its 2 large chunks were devoured by people who were uninvited to the party. Almost instantly, they do what they do best, viz.  blend into the background and vacate the place. Biraja, at this point of time, has almost broken into a sweat. 

The story ends abruptly with the protagonists gloating away at their resourcefulness , proud of the fact that this feat of theirs can go down the pages of history as one of the most shameless acts performed at the workplace(all for the cause of free food).

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Have Tongue, Will Talk

Phew... Long long long time since I've blogged... Infact I'd forgotten the URL of my blog... Attribute this to sheer laziness and no other alien activity... And the reason I'm blogging now is that I have nothing better to do while travelling back home from work; an activity that requires nearly 2 hours of my otherwise 'productive' time. (Read as facebook-ing/orkut-ing/Big Bang Theory-ing/HIMYM-ing etc...)...

(If you've followed some of my previous blogs, I tend to start off in this manner. It is a pure time-wasting, space consuming, getting-into-the-groove, getting-out-of-the-writer's-block activity. My sincere recommendation to all readers who have read upto this point is to kindly skip the above part. If you haven't, well , the joke's on you.)

Well, what I've actually done above is blabbered for a couple of paragraphs without conveying anything significant (not that the part following this piece is of any significant releavance). I've done this through writing; a significant number of people I'm currently in contact with do it, while talking.

I've always wondered how some people manage to incessantly exercise their vocal chords (much to the despair of the other members whose auditory senses have to bear the brunt). I had this eureka moment sitting in a meeting in office, when, 5 people in the meeting expressed the same thought (each trying to outdo the other in terms of decibel levels) in 5 different ways. All they were trying to do was set the agenda for the next meeting.

Ok. I'm not joking. Here's how it was:

7 people (including your's truly) sitting in a meeting room (And here's the clincher. No one knows why we were sitting in the meeting room. Ergo, there is a lot of small talk and cross talk happening). After about 5 mins,

Person 1 (Taking the initiative that has been talked about much in all the pre-MBA group discussion coaching forums): "Ok. So help me understand, what is the purpose behind this meeting. Do we have an agenda?"

Person 2: "I think we are meeting to discuss what we'll discuss in the next meeting"

Person 1 (Before person 2 completes): "I think what we should do is set up an agenda for the next meeting"

Random person(joins in conversation and tries to shout to make himself heard); " See, we are going nowhere. I really believe henceforth, there should be prior communication as to what will be discussed in the meeting"

Person 1 (Shoots down person speaking): "I think we should discuss the action items before we turn up for the next meeting".

The debate continues for about twenty minutes with other parties pitching in with their thoughts at decibel levels that would generally have been heard by members of the canine family.

At the end of twenty minutes, someone realizes that it is time for the next meeting and stands up and shouts: "All right. I think we should adjourn for the day. Let us come up with a basic framework of what we can discuss in these meetings going forward. Thank you everyone".

Me (Sitting in a corner, fiddling with the arm rest of the chair, clearly agitated, mutters to self) - "DUHHHHHH" (There goes half an hour of my Facebook-ing).

The point I'm trying to make here is that people seem to live the philosophy - "Have Tongue, Will Talk", without having any concern or pity for the person at the receiving end. I normally have half a mind to ask people to shut their trap if they have nothing valuable to contribute.

But I guess, there is a section of people who believe otherwise. And a considerably large chunk, at that. So, I guess I have to confine myself to venting my frustrations at the blog levels and be happy about that.

In a totally unrelated topic, I've been reading about some Katy Berry and some hippie getting married in the Ranthambore jungles and that they violated some 11 pm deadlines. I am pissed. Mighty pissed at that. For 2 simple reasons:

1. Why weren't the tigers invited for the wedding. I don't happen to see their names in the list of wedding attendees.
2. Why, of all available places on good ol' earth, did these hippies go to a jungle to get married. What the beep are Kalyan Mantaps/Marriage Halls meant for!!! That being the case, why dont they get the tigers to mate in one of their wedding halls and then be allowed to feast on the honorable guests present. It's got to be quid pro quo.
There. I'm done. Until my next post (God knows when that's going to happen), au revoir.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Wedlock or Deadlock?

For some, marriages are made in heaven; for others they happen in the chowlatries (kalyan mantaps)... Sad PJ to start with; but that's ok.. Author's privileges rule the roost.. :)
For some, marriage is the most important step / decision / turn / moment of your life.. (for all the corny / mushy mushy types)..
For some, "Marriage andre hallakke beelodu" (A killer quote by a friend).. (Translated: To get married is like falling into a deep bottomless pit)..
I've been reading a lot of fiction these days... hence, thought that it is time to pen a story myself. And this being the marriage season, nothing better than weaving a tale or two on the wedding or let's say, pre-marital woes.
The protagonist / antagonist (depends on how you look at it) could be anyone. For the record, why don't we name him, say, Tudhi.
Let's describe the life of Tudhi - A pot-bellied, pampered, over-fed/paid, Software engineer battling the mid-life crisis. Intestingly, in the Pizza-Maggi generation, Tudhi has developed his pot belly not from cheese, beer or the likes but from the traditional 'tuppa', 'rice' and a staple 'Pulchar diet'. (For the uninitiated, a Pulchar diet is a South Indian Brahmin diet that consists of truckload of rice on which truckloads of Rasam is poured on top of which, ghee is poured generously. The amount of ghee poured would make an Arab Sheik pop his eyebrows in awe).
Coming to Tudhi's other activities, apart from maintaining his cylindrical figure, Tudhi relies on the modes of mass transport, namely the auto-rickshaw. Now, the auto rickshaw could be classified into the mass-transport category plainly on the existence of the word 'mass', a technical loophole which our hero likes to exploit.
Tudhi's friends, are naturally concerned for Tudhi and his future and continuously pester him about his plans of settling down i.e. getting a nice sweet wifey, an IPL team full of kids, and an even fatter belly.
Now, for Tudhi, marriage, is just one of those activities, which can be conveniently brushed aside or more so, like a check box item, which, once done, can be said 'ticked' off the list i.e. yet another banal chore. For him, the most important things are his afternoon siesta, his evening Pulchar dinner and his blissful sleep at night.
Tudhi's parents are equally as concerned as his friends. So, they decide to get Tudhi hitched. After all the horrorscope matching and all that mumbo jumbo, they settle for a nice sweet South Indian chickie, who they invite to their house for a tete a tete with Tudhi.
Here's how the sample conversation goes:
Sweet chickie: So, Tudhi, my folks say that you are a software engineer..that too an architect.. how can a software engineer be an architect? I mean, architects are supposed to design houses and software engineers are supposed to , well, sit on bench.
Tudhi: (giving the chick a condescending look): Ayye, what do you think I say... I have written 25 stacks and 43 patents.
Sweet Chickie: But i thought stacks are made of wood and patents are there in hospitals... How can you write them? Do you use Natraj pencil... Hogli bidi, have you seen the latest movie Houseful a? Akshay Kumar looks hot no... Who is your favorite heroine??
Tudhi (by now almost ready to beat the chickie): Ayyayyo, that is not patient... that is patent... And my favorite actress is Lalita Pawar...
Sweet Chickie : But Lalita Pawar is an actress from my great great great grandfather's era...
(Tudhi hasn't told the chickie that even he is from that era. Only few of his close friends know that, he secretly participated in the First War of Indian Independence. Infact, Tudhi's friends have seen him working from times immemorable but his resume says only 8 years)
Tudhi (quickly changing topic): Tell me something about yourself
Sweet chickie: (By now wondering if she is marrying a guy or a grandpapa): I am an artist.. I like painting, reading, singing etc etc.. I like to hang out with friends.. And I love pani puri..You know that Bhimesh chaats near sheshadripuram, he makes best masala puri...
Tudhi (Uninterested): Hmm.... Can you write wireless printing stack?
Sweet Chickie: (Takes a pen and paper and scribbles on it - Wirless Printing Stack) - There..I have written it. Why are you testing if I know how to write in English?
Tudhi: (Appalled and speechless).
Sweet Chickie (In a last ditch effort): So, I hope you drive... I love sitting behind guys who drive very fast... when the wind starts blowing through my hair, i love it... Which bike do you have - Yamaha or Suzuki?
Tudhi: (Trying to salvage some pride): I once drove Bajaj Chetak scooter...it had a sidecar also... I touched 20 kmph in that (and puffs his chest with pride). These days I drive that bike on the computer game, what is it called, oh yes..Roadrash... Dont worry, when we get married, you drive fast... I will cling on to the babies (and for dear life)..
Sweet Chickie ( Ah..babies ah?? what Babies!!!!) - "Thathappa, namskara" - She touches his feets, seeks his blessing and runs away.
Tudhi : Hmm, ok, no problem. Oota ready na?? I am feeling hungry.. I hope there is Nandini Tuppa at home..
That brings us to the end of this short story revolving around Tudhi and his pre-marital woes.
Whether Tudhi gets a girl of his type, or will he get change into the modern Tudhi with biceps, cooling glass, ripping on a Yamaha bike with gal behind him, is the suspense that one needs to look out. The story never ends... Tudhi will be back... Amen.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Powering Down

These days I've been pissed more often than not...

Before I left for Mumbai (to do 2 years of TP), I used to be pissed with these faarin return or for that matter metro return bangalooru boys, who'd crib about everything under the sun.

Now after I've returned from Mumbai, I've turned into one those bengalooru boys myself. (For those of you who are fuming right now, Come on, haven't you seen a hypocrite in your entire life). So, technically speaking, I'm supposed to be pissed with myself.

Now since, I am not interested in wasting my time hurling my abuses at myself (and have ample time and vocabulary to abuse others), I shall begin my tirade against the erstwhile KEB currently KPTCL /BESSCOM / I-dont-care-a-damn-about-your-name-till-the-power's-on.

If at all there's anyone who needs to be sent to the electric chair (no pun intended) it's these guys.

Oh, and that's not all. I come across this headline while reading the newspaper - "Unscheduled power cuts from today". Now, my pea-sized brain thinks that by the term 'unscheduled' they mean, some jackass (with a pot belly) powers on the circuitry and switches it off depending on his mood.

I mean, why bother giving power. Candlelights and hand made fans can solve the problem.

Why am I so pissed? 3 times in a row, just when the download status has reached 98%, the power's gone down. 3 times in a row. And all at random times. @#$*&#!*$%#@&$*@^$%

Hallelujah. Praise the Lord.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

A forgettable day

One of the most frustrating days of my life

- Ended up attending something by missing something that I wanted to attend..
- Ended up in a messy fight which was totally uncalled for
- Pissed off for nearly 2 and half hours without any reason
- Gave more than my 200% and still ended up being second best.
- Spectator to some scenes that'll haunt me for the rest of my life.

Just can say one word. F***. There. Felt slightly better. Just slightly

Sunday, February 21, 2010

A Tall Tale of Time

Was just wondering how things change with time.

Sample conversation with Dad:


Me: Hello
Dad: Hi, hegiddiya? (How are you?)


Me: Hello
Dad: How much cash do you want 'this' time?

I rest my case.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Butt of All Butts

ICC faces stiff challenge from India's latest cricketing extravaganza - BCC - Butt cricket. Messrs Bhargav and Vaibhav are the proud innovators of this wonderful game.

The other 2 Kumar brothers - Harsh with his Playboy-like batting stance and Nihal with his mammoth bat oops butt, contributed significantly to popularize this game in both formats i.e. the Test Format and the Round Robin Butt format.

Special thanks to the umpire and the cheerleader who encouraged us wholeheartedly during the entire game.

The rules of the game are quite straightforward and are as follows:

BCC Butt Cricket Rule No 1. Bat = Butt, Ball = Crazy Ball or any ball that is not injurious to the butt and the area surrounding it.

BCC Butt Cricket Rule No 2. The ball needs to bowled to the buttsman at approx 7kmph.
BCC Butt Cricket Rule No 2. Subclause a) Any ball faster than the butt-breaking speed will be called a no-ball and the buttsman has the right to appeal for "fast bowling".

BCC Butt Cricket Rule No 3. The ball has to be hit by the buttsman with a "jhatka" (a-la Madhuri Dixit / Salman Khan in 'Didi Tera Dewar Diwana')

BCC Butt Cricket Rule No 4. The buttsman will be declared out if any of the fielders catch the ball either a. Before it pitches
or b. Uses one hand to catch the ball after one pitch of the ball.

BCC Butt Cricket Rule No 5. Read above rules properly

BCC Butt Cricket Rule No 6. Read Rule 5 twice.

BCC Butt Cricket Rule No 7. All disputes shall be handled by the match referee or the neutral (not gender neutral) umpire or may be resolved
a. through a barrage of expletives or
b. through the use of the extreme physical force such as fist fighting.

BCC Butt Cricket Rule No 8. Sledging is an integral part of the game and every game shall include sledging in totality for the game to be played in the true spirit.

BCC plans to introduce the Butt-o-meter to encourage Butting (oops Betting).

BCC Butt Cricket does not entertain any outside feedback and any queries regarding this format will not be entertained. Thank you.