For some, marriages are made in heaven; for others they happen in the chowlatries (kalyan mantaps)... Sad PJ to start with; but that's ok.. Author's privileges rule the roost.. :)
For some, marriage is the most important step / decision / turn / moment of your life.. (for all the corny / mushy mushy types)..
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For some, "Marriage andre hallakke beelodu" (A killer quote by a friend).. (Translated: To get married is like falling into a deep bottomless pit)..
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I've been reading a lot of fiction these days... hence, thought that it is time to pen a story myself. And this being the marriage season, nothing better than weaving a tale or two on the wedding or let's say, pre-marital woes.
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The protagonist / antagonist (depends on how you look at it) could be anyone. For the record, why don't we name him, say, Tudhi.
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Let's describe the life of Tudhi - A pot-bellied, pampered, over-fed/paid, Software engineer battling the mid-life crisis. Intestingly, in the Pizza-Maggi generation, Tudhi has developed his pot belly not from cheese, beer or the likes but from the traditional 'tuppa', 'rice' and a staple 'Pulchar diet'. (For the uninitiated, a Pulchar diet is a South Indian Brahmin diet that consists of truckload of rice on which truckloads of Rasam is poured on top of which, ghee is poured generously. The amount of ghee poured would make an Arab Sheik pop his eyebrows in awe).
Coming to Tudhi's other activities, apart from maintaining his cylindrical figure, Tudhi relies on the modes of mass transport, namely the auto-rickshaw. Now, the auto rickshaw could be classified into the mass-transport category plainly on the existence of the word 'mass', a technical loophole which our hero likes to exploit.
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Tudhi's friends, are naturally concerned for Tudhi and his future and continuously pester him about his plans of settling down i.e. getting a nice sweet wifey, an IPL team full of kids, and an even fatter belly.
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Now, for Tudhi, marriage, is just one of those activities, which can be conveniently brushed aside or more so, like a check box item, which, once done, can be said 'ticked' off the list i.e. yet another banal chore. For him, the most important things are his afternoon siesta, his evening Pulchar dinner and his blissful sleep at night.
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Tudhi's parents are equally as concerned as his friends. So, they decide to get Tudhi hitched. After all the horrorscope matching and all that mumbo jumbo, they settle for a nice sweet South Indian chickie, who they invite to their house for a tete a tete with Tudhi.
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Here's how the sample conversation goes:
Sweet chickie: So, Tudhi, my folks say that you are a software engineer..that too an architect.. how can a software engineer be an architect? I mean, architects are supposed to design houses and software engineers are supposed to , well, sit on bench.
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Tudhi: (giving the chick a condescending look): Ayye, what do you think I say... I have written 25 stacks and 43 patents.
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Sweet Chickie: But i thought stacks are made of wood and patents are there in hospitals... How can you write them? Do you use Natraj pencil... Hogli bidi, have you seen the latest movie Houseful a? Akshay Kumar looks hot no... Who is your favorite heroine??
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Tudhi (by now almost ready to beat the chickie): Ayyayyo, that is not patient... that is patent... And my favorite actress is Lalita Pawar...
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Sweet Chickie : But Lalita Pawar is an actress from my great great great grandfather's era...
(Tudhi hasn't told the chickie that even he is from that era. Only few of his close friends know that, he secretly participated in the First War of Indian Independence. Infact, Tudhi's friends have seen him working from times immemorable but his resume says only 8 years)
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Tudhi (quickly changing topic): Tell me something about yourself
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Sweet chickie: (By now wondering if she is marrying a guy or a grandpapa): I am an artist.. I like painting, reading, singing etc etc.. I like to hang out with friends.. And I love pani puri..You know that Bhimesh chaats near sheshadripuram, he makes best masala puri...
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Tudhi (Uninterested): Hmm.... Can you write wireless printing stack?
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Sweet Chickie: (Takes a pen and paper and scribbles on it - Wirless Printing Stack) - There..I have written it. Why are you testing if I know how to write in English?
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Tudhi: (Appalled and speechless).
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Sweet Chickie (In a last ditch effort): So, I hope you drive... I love sitting behind guys who drive very fast... when the wind starts blowing through my hair, i love it... Which bike do you have - Yamaha or Suzuki?
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Tudhi: (Trying to salvage some pride): I once drove Bajaj Chetak scooter...it had a sidecar also... I touched 20 kmph in that (and puffs his chest with pride). These days I drive that bike on the computer game, what is it called, oh yes..Roadrash... Dont worry, when we get married, you drive fast... I will cling on to the babies (and for dear life)..
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Sweet Chickie ( Ah..babies ah?? what Babies!!!!) - "Thathappa, namskara" - She touches his feets, seeks his blessing and runs away.
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Tudhi : Hmm, ok, no problem. Oota ready na?? I am feeling hungry.. I hope there is Nandini Tuppa at home..
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That brings us to the end of this short story revolving around Tudhi and his pre-marital woes.
Whether Tudhi gets a girl of his type, or will he get change into the modern Tudhi with biceps, cooling glass, ripping on a Yamaha bike with gal behind him, is the suspense that one needs to look out. The story never ends... Tudhi will be back... Amen.
