Sunday, March 02, 2008

Planet Of the APES

'Tis been a month and half since I've posted something worthless. In other words, I've been accumulating truckloads of bullcr@p that I can dump on unsuspecting individuals who happen to visit this blog either by chance or 'coz of repeated nagging from moi. Me has always believed that some people can be extraordinary jackasses and me plans to enlighten more people about that. (Dont be surprised if you see a halo after reading this post).

Recently, I had to visit Mumbai for some reason that can be classified underSection2320923 of IPC. And for that, me had to book a two way flight from B'lore to Mumbai. Me return flight was at 8.30pm from Mumbai and it got cancelled. (Thanks to that I was offered FREE dinner at the OBEROI!!!!!). As a result of this, i was offloaded to some other International Flight that happened to be passing by Mumbai. The point to be noted here is that the flight was at 3am.(Me has never seen that time of the day).

Sitting at the airport I happened to chance upon a couple of weirdos who could be preserved and displayed in some museum. Sample this:

Airport Authority (at the flight boarding gate): "Ahmedabad, Ahmedabad, Ahmedabad!!!"
(Now those of you who've visited the Majestic Bus Stand in B'lore will know the kind of tone that I am referring to).
And here's what our pal had to say to all those passengers who were entering that terminal after their security checks and passport stampings: "Ahmedabad, Ahmedabad??" (in a questioning tone).
Me thinks: "DUDE, what the Fudge is the Public Announcement System for?!!!@#&%$#*"

And just as I thought that this was the limit, in comes Mr Smarty Pants, well dressed, carrying a laptop bag.

Airport Authority: "Ahmedabad?"
Smarty Pants : "Haan.. Ready Hai???"
Me mutter to myself: (with the choicest of swear words): "What the *&%$!!!! Do you have an option to take another flight. Heck, this aint a bus stand where you take a bus that's ready to leave, birdbrain. (More curse words)."

And mind you, all this is happening at 2am at an "International Airport"!!!

If you think that's all, hang on, there is more in store. Me boards flight, me promptly drifts into slumber.
Suddenly, me feel something shaking. Then me realize that the something is my body and some external force is applying pressure to shake me body. Me wake up groggy eyed only to see an air-host (NOTE: not an air-hostess).

Me: "Have we arrived?"
Air-"Host" - " No Sir, here's your snack"
Me check time: 4.00 am (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
At un-earthly hours, me brain doesn't function properly and cannot recollect swear words. So, thanks to the short-circuiting of some of the nerves in my brain, me uttered some curse words that sounded something like this: "htryl garb bwjel ajworyw ereradfa"
Me thinks at least me will have snack: Me open box and me find 2 slices of bread which half a slice of cheese in between and a visiting card that says "We hand-pick the choicest of food for our invaluable customers"
Me pished big-time.

Now, moving away from the airport incident(s), me was going to work and me found this instruction written on a government building "DO NOT URINATE". Me being a simpleton and a person who does not want to get into the wrong side of the law, promptly decided to obey this order issued by the government. It so happened that my biological system is least concerned about the Indian Laws and me had to break the law after me controlled myself from urinating for over 4 hours. (The police are probably on the lookout for me now). Me thinks that the instruction should've been "Do not urinate HERE", but who knows, me is an uneducated duffer and me takes little or no interest in local affairs.

Sample another one: Here's a direction finder board that displayed in big bold letters on JC Road:

K.R Market Majestic Richmond Road



As far as I know, one could reach majestic by going straight ahead instead of digging and going underground!!!

With that, i've dumped all the bullcr#p that had existed in my system for a month and a half.

Before I sign off, here's a killer one:
Gyan on the back-side of autorickshaw: "LIFE IS DRAMA. MAN IS ACTOR"
Me: "D-U-H!!!!!!"

5 comments:

Sriram Rajagopal said...

Awesome... Except for the title "Planet of the APES".. If i put myself in Aussie Shoes, I find that racist..

ramya said...

u know there is some law that says u cant be punished twice for the same offence.. dont worry too much :)

Deepak said...

Dude....here is what I have got to say ...
Truth: Superb one ... You have raised your standards.
Lies: This one comes pretty close to one of Hari's posts. I think your pen has become something like "Jung lagi talwar" ....This one is way below your standards. Common dude...be the original 'obnoxious weed' that you were.

Hari Krishnan said...

@ BM: Dude..Such anger at such young age!! No no.. you need to take a chill pill man...

@Bande : One stone.. Two Birds.. Nice.. Btw howz ur blog coming along

Karthik said...

According to me you should have looked at the other side of your journey and wrote about that maga. By the other side i mean the positive side like getting to see a new place, elaborate on the oberoi dinner, beautiful kingfisher babes, etc. That would definitely have been more fun to read