Dudes and Dudettes, request you to kindly ignore my earlier post on the Indian Cricket Team (mebbe I was sloshed when I wrote that). Anyways, here's my message to the individual members of the Cricket Team. Hope dept of posts hand delivers this to our "boys" who are getting f*&ked in the backside in some remote continent.
@Sehwag: I guess the milk you've been drinking isn't coming from the right sources. Try Amul milk next time.
@Kaif: Try for the 100m dash in some slum in your hometown. You might come second.
@Raina: Go study for your class IX exams
@Mongia: You must be a real ass-licker to still be in the team. I guess your tongue might be worn out by now after all the licking
@Dhoni: Mysore sandal soap isn't making you any fairer. Try Lux next time.
@Agarkar: Stand in front of the mirror and practice some emotions.
@Harbhajan: Try Rapidex English speaking course. Helps you to curse better.
@Pathan: Year's ago people termed you as a potent weapon with the ball. Dude, go watch some PORN. You're impotent!
@Dravid: No use mate, you need the other guys to perform as well. You can as well stay at home.
@Sachin: Dude, dont think I'm gonna call you the last crusader etc etc. YOU SUCK BIG TIME!
@Dada: Go Fu&K yourself!
@Any others in the team: Do some ads right away. This may be your last chance.
@Guru Greg: I've got two words for you "UP YOURS!"
Indian Cricket is Dead. Long Live Indian Cricket!
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Thursday, November 09, 2006
MORE CONTRADICTIONS...
Contd From Part 1:
Recap: These two posts (check out the previous one as well) are dedicated to a good friend of mine (Harikrishnan S aka Students aka Arbitrary Hari).. He has been bestowed with the honorary Arbitrary title because of his ability to speak bullsh*t fluently. Only those close to him know that he is bullsh*tting while lesser mortals look at him in awe. Read on to know more about this genlte giant who is also a pukka a**hole.
I'll now relive those moments which saw arbitrary Hari transform into a man of contradictions (note that the steve waugh incident could also be considered for the same but the author has the right to change the roles as and when he likes).
Semester 6 exams had just ended and as usual the four of us (Deepak, Adarsh, Hari and myself) found ourselves in some deep sh*t courtesy the microcontroller paper which nearly left us in tears (DSP was also bad and so were the other 4 subjects, not to mention the labs). Only the 3 of us had been recruited by two "Janata"(mass recruiters) companies i.e. Infy and MindTree. Our pal Hari, as expected, delivered loads of bullcrap in his interviews and ended up goofing them. At this point, Kunta, Deepak, Nachi, Sharath, Meese mama (smiley) and myself (The IEEE - gang) decided to conduct mock interviews for Hari.
Scene1:
Location: Our adda during the IEEE days (PDS mam's room)
Starring: Deepak, Kunta, Smiley, Nachi and Bhargav as the interview panelists of some arbit company (God knows what would have happened to the company if all five of us were in the same company).
Actor in Negative Role: Harikrishnan S
The scene: Hari enters through the door walks all the way to the panelists. All of us are staring at him intently.
Smiley: Did we ask you to come in?
Hari (innocently): Can I come in? (The other four panelists were trying hard to maitain a straight face).
Hari then rests his heavy bu*t on the chair in an awkward manner(God I don't have words to describe how he actually did it).
Smiley: Did we ask you to sit down?
Hari(Springs up on his toes): Can I sit down?
Smiley: What do you have in your hand?
Hari (clutching his resume as if it were his prized possestion): My resume. (doesn't bother to hand it over).
Smiley: So, aren't you supposed to hand it over to us?
Hari (realization dawning over him): Oh,Here sir, Here is my resume (He was still reluctant to part with it).
This was when we decided to stop the interview and made him go over the routine again and again till it resembled something that was acceptable if not perfect.
Note: We had a tough time having him practice some basic etiquettes.
Scene 2:
Location: Lecture Complex.(our timepass-adda)
Starring: The same set of people
The scene: Hari has now perfected the art of entering the interview room elegantly and greeting the interviewers. Now to the actual interview.
Kunta: Tell me something about yourself
Hari: Blabbers some nonsense and is done within 15 seconds (surprising for Hari's standards).
Kunta: Ayyo cha*per, blade haku anta chance kottaga blade hakalvalla neenu...
Hari then rants something about himself for about a minute.
Deepak: Are you a money-oriented person?
Hari: NO!
Deepak: Suppose we pay 4.5 L p.a and tomorrow another company offers you 5 L p.a. will you join them because of the money?
Hari: Yes (we are stunned)
Deepak: That means you are money oriented
Hari: (Unfazedly) Yes
We were trying hard to contain our laughter. (The gravity of the situation demanded so).
Smiley: Are you planning to do higher studies?
Hari: (Emphatic) NO! (Someone had told him that such things should not be mentioned in the interview).
Sriram: Even if the job demands you to do higher studies and if we were to encourage you, would you still opt out?
Hari: (Again, emphatically) NO! I am not going to do my higher studies.
This is when we keyed the term "HARIism" to all those statements that contradicted the previous statements.
After 3 hours of such mock interview, Hari was still the lively man that he always is. I guess, the pic i've attached below describes our state at the end of the mock interview. (I attribute my receding hair line to that day's interview).
Not much has changed since then, but the only thing (a significant development) is that Hari Uncle manages to maitain a straight face (previously, realization used to dawn upon him and this was visible in his facial expression).
Well, there's more to this guy. I've just mentioned the most significant "contradictions" aspect of his. The other aspects are not worth mentioning!
And who knows some day I might get to write another post on another significant contradiction (oops contribution) by Hari!
Recap: These two posts (check out the previous one as well) are dedicated to a good friend of mine (Harikrishnan S aka Students aka Arbitrary Hari).. He has been bestowed with the honorary Arbitrary title because of his ability to speak bullsh*t fluently. Only those close to him know that he is bullsh*tting while lesser mortals look at him in awe. Read on to know more about this genlte giant who is also a pukka a**hole.
I'll now relive those moments which saw arbitrary Hari transform into a man of contradictions (note that the steve waugh incident could also be considered for the same but the author has the right to change the roles as and when he likes).
Semester 6 exams had just ended and as usual the four of us (Deepak, Adarsh, Hari and myself) found ourselves in some deep sh*t courtesy the microcontroller paper which nearly left us in tears (DSP was also bad and so were the other 4 subjects, not to mention the labs). Only the 3 of us had been recruited by two "Janata"(mass recruiters) companies i.e. Infy and MindTree. Our pal Hari, as expected, delivered loads of bullcrap in his interviews and ended up goofing them. At this point, Kunta, Deepak, Nachi, Sharath, Meese mama (smiley) and myself (The IEEE - gang) decided to conduct mock interviews for Hari.
Scene1:
Location: Our adda during the IEEE days (PDS mam's room)
Starring: Deepak, Kunta, Smiley, Nachi and Bhargav as the interview panelists of some arbit company (God knows what would have happened to the company if all five of us were in the same company).
Actor in Negative Role: Harikrishnan S
The scene: Hari enters through the door walks all the way to the panelists. All of us are staring at him intently.
Smiley: Did we ask you to come in?
Hari (innocently): Can I come in? (The other four panelists were trying hard to maitain a straight face).
Hari then rests his heavy bu*t on the chair in an awkward manner(God I don't have words to describe how he actually did it).
Smiley: Did we ask you to sit down?
Hari(Springs up on his toes): Can I sit down?
Smiley: What do you have in your hand?
Hari (clutching his resume as if it were his prized possestion): My resume. (doesn't bother to hand it over).
Smiley: So, aren't you supposed to hand it over to us?
Hari (realization dawning over him): Oh,Here sir, Here is my resume (He was still reluctant to part with it).
This was when we decided to stop the interview and made him go over the routine again and again till it resembled something that was acceptable if not perfect.
Note: We had a tough time having him practice some basic etiquettes.
Scene 2:
Location: Lecture Complex.(our timepass-adda)
Starring: The same set of people
The scene: Hari has now perfected the art of entering the interview room elegantly and greeting the interviewers. Now to the actual interview.
Kunta: Tell me something about yourself
Hari: Blabbers some nonsense and is done within 15 seconds (surprising for Hari's standards).
Kunta: Ayyo cha*per, blade haku anta chance kottaga blade hakalvalla neenu...
Hari then rants something about himself for about a minute.
Deepak: Are you a money-oriented person?
Hari: NO!
Deepak: Suppose we pay 4.5 L p.a and tomorrow another company offers you 5 L p.a. will you join them because of the money?
Hari: Yes (we are stunned)
Deepak: That means you are money oriented
Hari: (Unfazedly) Yes
We were trying hard to contain our laughter. (The gravity of the situation demanded so).
Smiley: Are you planning to do higher studies?
Hari: (Emphatic) NO! (Someone had told him that such things should not be mentioned in the interview).
Sriram: Even if the job demands you to do higher studies and if we were to encourage you, would you still opt out?
Hari: (Again, emphatically) NO! I am not going to do my higher studies.
This is when we keyed the term "HARIism" to all those statements that contradicted the previous statements.
After 3 hours of such mock interview, Hari was still the lively man that he always is. I guess, the pic i've attached below describes our state at the end of the mock interview. (I attribute my receding hair line to that day's interview).
Not much has changed since then, but the only thing (a significant development) is that Hari Uncle manages to maitain a straight face (previously, realization used to dawn upon him and this was visible in his facial expression).
Well, there's more to this guy. I've just mentioned the most significant "contradictions" aspect of his. The other aspects are not worth mentioning!
And who knows some day I might get to write another post on another significant contradiction (oops contribution) by Hari!
Monday, November 06, 2006
CONTRADICTIONS GALORE!!!
Statutory Warning: Knowing this person could be injurious to health
This post is dedicated to a person who is a unique specimen. A one of his kind... (The world would be better off without him...and more of such species would have resulted in a catastrophe).
Meet Mr Harikrishnan S aka Students, 6ft 2" tall, weighing over 200 pounds and has a tongue that outruns his other physical attributes..
The first day I met him, our pal had just got a branch change from Computer Sci and was using jargon unknown to most..
Deepak, Adarsh and myself were the first to hear his Hari-isms(a term that I plan to describe in detail a little later).
Here's Hari for you during the early years:
Hari: Naanu ninge SPAM madbidtini... (come-on, during first sem, I had absolutely no clue of what SPAM stood for... Heck, I didn't even have an email id then... I just thought that it was abbreviation for somekind of curse...)
And during those initial days, our pal had a rare quality (jeez, it aint rare, it's the only one of it's kind)... Here's how the conversation used to go:
One of us: Hari, bartiyeno football adakke?
Hari: Illa kano, telephone bill katt beku (damn, it's 6am in the morning)
Another occasion:
One of us: Hari, yeno madta iddiya
Hari: Ille electricity bill kattuta iddini (it's only around 9.30 pm in the night)
Oh the other Hari popped up in semester 3.. (God knows where he'd disappeared in semester 2)... And this time he was back with a bang..Sledging his way through.. ( I remember, the batsman at the crease was virtually in tears when Hari who was positioned as short cover shouted "This guy has NO TALENT!!" )...
Cut to semester 5; Hari, Deepak and myself are sitting in the library (one of the rarest sights second only to the UFO spotting in some non-descript town in Uncle SAM's backyard).
Adarsh on his way to borrow some books stops by and the conversation drifts to Steve Waugh:
Hari: Steve Waugh yeno gabbu bowler... Slow agi urlkond baratte...
Adarsh: Aaae illa ley, bejan fast haktane..bouncers yella haktane..
Hari: Adu houdu, pace iratte avana bowling alli..
That was just the beginning...Or that's when we began to concentrate on what Hari actually said. It's quite tough to describe in words his facial expression when he knows that he's contradicted himself before he has completed his uncontradicted version. (These days, it's the same old Hari , but with a straight face. His acquaintances look up to him with awe.If only they were able to concentrate on what he says ...)
Writing about Hari aint a one day affair...So, let me go the Ekta Kapoor way and say To Be Continued...
This post is dedicated to a person who is a unique specimen. A one of his kind... (The world would be better off without him...and more of such species would have resulted in a catastrophe).
Meet Mr Harikrishnan S aka Students, 6ft 2" tall, weighing over 200 pounds and has a tongue that outruns his other physical attributes..
The first day I met him, our pal had just got a branch change from Computer Sci and was using jargon unknown to most..
Deepak, Adarsh and myself were the first to hear his Hari-isms(a term that I plan to describe in detail a little later).
Here's Hari for you during the early years:
Hari: Naanu ninge SPAM madbidtini... (come-on, during first sem, I had absolutely no clue of what SPAM stood for... Heck, I didn't even have an email id then... I just thought that it was abbreviation for somekind of curse...)
And during those initial days, our pal had a rare quality (jeez, it aint rare, it's the only one of it's kind)... Here's how the conversation used to go:
One of us: Hari, bartiyeno football adakke?
Hari: Illa kano, telephone bill katt beku (damn, it's 6am in the morning)
Another occasion:
One of us: Hari, yeno madta iddiya
Hari: Ille electricity bill kattuta iddini (it's only around 9.30 pm in the night)
Oh the other Hari popped up in semester 3.. (God knows where he'd disappeared in semester 2)... And this time he was back with a bang..Sledging his way through.. ( I remember, the batsman at the crease was virtually in tears when Hari who was positioned as short cover shouted "This guy has NO TALENT!!" )...
Cut to semester 5; Hari, Deepak and myself are sitting in the library (one of the rarest sights second only to the UFO spotting in some non-descript town in Uncle SAM's backyard).
Adarsh on his way to borrow some books stops by and the conversation drifts to Steve Waugh:
Hari: Steve Waugh yeno gabbu bowler... Slow agi urlkond baratte...
Adarsh: Aaae illa ley, bejan fast haktane..bouncers yella haktane..
Hari: Adu houdu, pace iratte avana bowling alli..
That was just the beginning...Or that's when we began to concentrate on what Hari actually said. It's quite tough to describe in words his facial expression when he knows that he's contradicted himself before he has completed his uncontradicted version. (These days, it's the same old Hari , but with a straight face. His acquaintances look up to him with awe.If only they were able to concentrate on what he says ...)
Writing about Hari aint a one day affair...So, let me go the Ekta Kapoor way and say To Be Continued...
Friday, November 03, 2006
FROM RICHES TO RAGS
As I mulled over my current financial status (which isn't something good), I did some mental math and came to the conclusion that I would have had a cool 1,00,23,040 bucks in my bank account had I used my head.
For those who haven't figured out how a bummer (slang for beggar) like me would have so much of cash, the calculation is explained stepwise:
1. Four years of engineering. Each sem has 6 subjects + 2 labs.
2. Therefore total no of subjects = (6sub * 8 semesters)+(2 labs*8semesters) = 64 . (Note: The assumption here is that there are no backlogs. If there are backlogs, please add the same to the no of subjects).
3. Let us term this as a variable called No_of_Subjects. (My software engg skills are coming into picture here)
PLEASE UNDERSTAND THE REASONING BEHIND EACH STEP NOW ON:
4. Each subject has roughly around 3 reference books + 1 VTU book.
5. At the beginning of the semester, 1 reference book would have been purchased/borrowed from the library (Oh, just purchased and NOT read). That leaves me with 2 reference books + 1 VTU book.
6. No of chapters to be studied to attempt 5 questions in exam = 6 (Roughly)
7. No of pages per chapter = 50 (approx).
8. Therefore, total no of pages to be read = 50*6=300
9. Total No of pages from the 2 reference books + 1 VTU book = 300*2 +300*1=900.
10. Total No of pages throughout the engineering course = 900*No_of_Subjects = 57600 = No of pages that need to be photocopied.
11. Cost of photocopy = 0.40Rs per page.
12. Total cost of photocopy = 57600 *0.40 = Rs 23,040
13. No of Redundant photocopies = 1000 (redundancy might be caused by getting the same book photocopied twice or by having the genius to take a photocopy of book owned by oneself..psst..one of my friends actually did it..)
14. Total cost of redundant photocopies = 1000 * 0.40 = 400
15. Total cost of photocopies = 23,040+400 = Rs 23,440.
So, there we are. A stepwise explanation to achieve the mentioned at the top of this post.
Oh and yes, for those of you who are wondering where the other 1,00,00,000 Rs fits in:
....
....
....
....
....
GO ROB A BANK!!
I almost forgot.. Himesh can't sing!!!For those who haven't figured out how a bummer (slang for beggar) like me would have so much of cash, the calculation is explained stepwise:
1. Four years of engineering. Each sem has 6 subjects + 2 labs.
2. Therefore total no of subjects = (6sub * 8 semesters)+(2 labs*8semesters) = 64 . (Note: The assumption here is that there are no backlogs. If there are backlogs, please add the same to the no of subjects).
3. Let us term this as a variable called No_of_Subjects. (My software engg skills are coming into picture here)
PLEASE UNDERSTAND THE REASONING BEHIND EACH STEP NOW ON:
4. Each subject has roughly around 3 reference books + 1 VTU book.
5. At the beginning of the semester, 1 reference book would have been purchased/borrowed from the library (Oh, just purchased and NOT read). That leaves me with 2 reference books + 1 VTU book.
6. No of chapters to be studied to attempt 5 questions in exam = 6 (Roughly)
7. No of pages per chapter = 50 (approx).
8. Therefore, total no of pages to be read = 50*6=300
9. Total No of pages from the 2 reference books + 1 VTU book = 300*2 +300*1=900.
10. Total No of pages throughout the engineering course = 900*No_of_Subjects = 57600 = No of pages that need to be photocopied.
11. Cost of photocopy = 0.40Rs per page.
12. Total cost of photocopy = 57600 *0.40 = Rs 23,040
13. No of Redundant photocopies = 1000 (redundancy might be caused by getting the same book photocopied twice or by having the genius to take a photocopy of book owned by oneself..psst..one of my friends actually did it..)
14. Total cost of redundant photocopies = 1000 * 0.40 = 400
15. Total cost of photocopies = 23,040+400 = Rs 23,440.
So, there we are. A stepwise explanation to achieve the mentioned at the top of this post.
Oh and yes, for those of you who are wondering where the other 1,00,00,000 Rs fits in:
....
....
....
....
....
GO ROB A BANK!!
Thursday, November 02, 2006
TO CUT A LONG STORY SHORT...
I've drawn some flak for my previous posts. (the criticism was that the blogs were too taxing and voluminous for the reader). Well, I've decided to keep this one short.
"我有許多工作。我不是失業的"
"J'ai un bon nombre de travail. Je ne suis pas sans emploi"
"나는 일의 제비를 가지고 있는다. 나는 실직 중이 아니다 이지 않는다"
"Έχω τα μέρη της εργασίας. Δεν είμαι άνεργος"
"Ich habe Lose Arbeit. Ich bin nicht arbeitslos"
FIGURE THAT OUT SUCKERS!!!
Well... I'm done. Nothing more to pen for now.
"我有許多工作。我不是失業的"
"J'ai un bon nombre de travail. Je ne suis pas sans emploi"
"나는 일의 제비를 가지고 있는다. 나는 실직 중이 아니다 이지 않는다"
"Έχω τα μέρη της εργασίας. Δεν είμαι άνεργος"
"Ich habe Lose Arbeit. Ich bin nicht arbeitslos"
FIGURE THAT OUT SUCKERS!!!
Well... I'm done. Nothing more to pen for now.
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