Tuesday, June 05, 2007

MONEY MATTERS (MOST)

I will be stealing the thunder of Othla by publishing this post. (Othla -> A person who does utter TP at the place where I work and gets away with it...mostly by getting an onsite opportunity). But heck, he cant have the both the cash and the thunder. I get to take the cash.

With my greying hair, and the increasing burden I put on my dad for refuelling the tank of my bike, I thought of calculating my market value. This, I thought, would offer some solace to my dad who has to bear with an outstretched hand (my hand), every single day. And me being the shameless creature that I am, ask for the cash everyday, without fail. It's been a mystery as to why he hasn't thrown me out of the house, yet. (He might be contemplating this).

Cut to the point, me is putting a quotation for myself with all my features and attributes and approximate a market value (read as dowry) that I expect from the bride (or groom).
Some of the phrases will be in the local dialect or atleast the direct english translation of the local dialect:

1. Me is Engineer - Value: Rs 50 lakh

2. Me is BE pass first time. (To be read as: I have graduated with a Bachelor's degree in Engineering without any backlogs... ) Value: Rs 50lakh + 10 lakh = Rs 60 lakh*.

(NOTE: All figures will be denoted in terms of the base value henceforth, viz 50 lakh)

3. Me is working (where??? That doesn't matter) - Value: Rs 75 lakh

4. Me Faarin return (To be read as: I have visited a country outside India) Value: Rs 1.5 Crore

5. Me can speaketh English - Value: Rs 1.9 Crore

6. English write me, English understand me - Value:Rs 2 Crore

7. Me is reddy, sorry, ready to learn any language of In-law's choice - Value: Rs 3 Crore

8. Me can ride bike - Value: Rs 3.5 Crore

9. Me can make Cup-Noodles very well - Value: Rs 3.75 Crore.

10. Me friend Othla was mentioning that in his caste, it is considered to be a prestigious issue to have a mistress. Me Say NAAICE for that. - Value: Rs 4.5 Crore*.

11. Me claims that me can play musical instrument (I dont expect my inlaws to verify that) - Value: Rs 4.51 Crore

12. Me plans to go to gym to build body (Like Chiranjeevi) - Value: Rs 8 Crore

13. Me is watches Chiranjeevi movies and consider Chiranjeevi to be the greatest star, ever- Value: Rs 20 Crore (Whoops what a jump!!!!)

14. Me doesn't mind the kind of bride I will be getting in exchange for the cash:
Clause a: For every physical deformity, I will charge an extra 5 crore.
So, the max I can expect is about 50 crore*.

Clause b: I dont mind if the Bride is fat. Every pound of extra flesh means a rise in the value
by 2 crore.

Clause c: Becoming a house-husband i.e. ghar jamai is acceptable but will come at an extra cost of 5 crore.

Clause d: For Rs 200 Crore, I dont mind if it is a BRIDE or a BRIDEGROOM*!!!!! (Half of the state, bordering Karnataka i.e. AP. should also be given away as free gift).

* - Conditions Apply. Read offer document carefully before investing.

I am not such a bad person as you might think I am. I have offered a generous once-in-a-lifetime discount of Rs 10000, as I dont match the description of being tall, dark and handsome. * (Again: * - Conditions Apply).

Oh, just as a footnote: The above amount mentioned is exclusive of 12.5% VAT and all other income tax complications.

ANY TAKERS????????

28 comments:

Karthik said...

Magas you seriously stole the thunder, very good blog. But i guess right now, being from another caste you are truly overpriced......
But lets see, I am sure that the offers will be pouring in....

ಸ್ವರೂಪ್ ಭೂಷಣ್ said...

hahaha funny guy :)
hey you are an engineer...after defining base value, you should quote everything else in per unit (p.u.)

Shariq said...

what a blog!!!!!! i am sure u wnt get even 1 % of the amount u have described here...but who knows...there are lots of dumb amd short sighted people around ;)
APNA SAPNA MONEY MONEY !!!!

Nirav Thakker said...

hahahahahahaah!!!!! man you rock!!!!

svk312 said...

Now I understand why you have been off late visiting border areas.... You guy get a printout and stick it at all possible trees in b'lore anyways the returns you are expecting is huge :)

All the BEST!!! may god make his best effort to come close to your quote and find you a TFD ... TFD full form will come in mail....

Shailesh said...

This is perfect dose for me this morning!! ( I hope someone can buy your awe-inspiring offer!! Atleast at a heavily subsidized price.. :P )
First thing I did this morning was check my TI account mail.
it reads, " [proj_name] release in critical"
If the mgr was in front of me, I would have shown him the middle finger n told to buzz off!!
But next thing I read was your blog..
I should say, the mgr had a good day today or else he had to suffer the consequences!! :D

Shailesh said...

btw, I appreciate your high thinking and magic with numbers!! :D

Sriram Rajagopal said...

there are some things money cant buy, for everything else, i have my father in law...

Bhargav said...

@Karthik: I dont think the caste should be a problem. I can get a fake caste certificate for Rs 200. And 200 bucks aint much considering the return on investment.

@Swaroop: I am B.E.-Just pass. So, I do not know much about the per unit calculations. :) :)

@Shariq: WHAT!!!! Am i not eligible for even 1% of that amount!!! Outrageous. I must think of disassociating myself from you.

@Nirav: Thanks you very much

@Sudhi: That's not a bad idea. Getting the print outs and sticking them. I've got lots of passport size photographs as well. Might put them to some good use. It would be an icing on the cake if the girl is not a TBD.

@Shailesh : Thanks a lot dude. That was one helluva complement.

@Sriram: Uh..Huh.. You already have a father in law????

Ann M said...

super blog..!! "Me is reddy, sorry, ready " (ROTFL).. that dialogue was zimbly amazzing.!
macha u ve stiff competition,last heard our pal othala is eyeing half of vijaywada..!n shushh i hear reddy girls like people who can gyrate like chiranjeevi so add that also to ur credential's list.

"I dont mind if it is a BRIDE or a BRIDEGROOM*!!!!!".. Ahem,do i see Jobin salivating..?? :)

kd said...

@ karthik: dude we have one more bank waiting to get in..
probably we'll be the only multi million dollar company started by 3 small timers man :P..
how bout we take over an Infrastructure company as the first thing...
need to enter the domain with so much of property on u guys names..
@ bhargav: in case goes as bad as u having a bridegroom.. make sure he will not be considered as a co-founder.the only thing we can do is probably add his name somewhere in the Subhalakshmi Solutions Pvt. Ltd. that too if subhlakshmi doesnt mind much about it.

dharmu said...

i am truely aware that i had promised to find you a gf. but dear, what i dint know was that you would turn up with such a outrageous tender!

can we add it to our movie, part 4???

karthik said...

Magas super topic!! and I heard that George Micheal, Elton John and a fellow MT mind are looking out for u!!!!!

Hari Krishnan said...

@ bhargav : Man... I know that you were jobless but not this is pushing it just a little..Posting first thing in the morning!!!!! Ha!!!.. I am totally disappointed with this post.. It is a chauvinistic, masochistic,sadistic post that is absolutely demeaning to the female sex and I will have no part with it.. How can you, in this day of Ipods and PS3's, put a value on a girl.That is a typical example of male chauvinism and I will not stand for it...You either change your attitude real quickly or I will report this to Don EKKKTA KKKKAPOOR...

@ Sriram : Dude..The day you get married, you pop-in-law is gonna wear a t-shirt that says "My Son-in-law is an ATM"

Sac said...

Reading this blog was a sense of deja vu..
RAGS TO RICHES,one of ur earlier blogs treaded the same path.
That blog was decent except the ending where the "go rob a bank" literally robbed it of its charm.

This one I am afraid,wasnt a good one(putting a price tag on ur various positives somehow dint click with me)especially the standards that u have set for urself.

I don't wanna repeat myself but the humor in ur latest blogs doesnt tickle the funny bone.
I feel u need to urself read INTERNAL MATTERS and TESTIMONIALS FOR ALL FRIENDS and see the kinda humor used there and why it worked so well.

Been a long time since I read what can be termed a "super" blog from u..Its abt time u wrote one..

P.S:That line "Me is reddy, sorry, ready to learn any language of In-law's choice" rocked..We know at whom that was intended..LOL...

Bhargav said...

@Ann: Thenk u thenk u.. Me used to gyrate like Chiranjeevi in college days (not anymore... I dont want to have a slipped disc). But I guess, my college dance videos should suffice to prove that I can gyrate.
As far as Othla and Vijayawada are concerned, I'm least bothered as long as I recieve Hyderabad and Secunderabad.
And Jobin, if you are listening,(or salivating), remember, the price is Rs 200 Crore ONLY!

@KD: Dude, I guess we should start dishing out the various posts of SSPL (Subbalakshmi Solutions Private Ltd), to the various interested parties...

@Dharmu: Movie 4 aint such a bad idea. But now u know th impact of u not finding (or atleast attempting to find) a GF for me. :)

@Karthik Sr: Elton John, George Michael and the FellowMT mind, the price tag is the same - Rs 200 Crore (or its equivalent european currency).

@Hari: Bwahahahahahahha... Good one dude... This one should be next in line for your truth/lies series (only that you missed out the lies)... I'm sure your post on a similar topic would have rated the groom as much as I've priced the bride.. :) :)

@Sac: Uh..Huh... Ok... Will try to improvise on the humor next time around.. Or probably will try to write something that's more serious.. But honestly felt that this one reached out to more audience than internal affairs and testimonials for all my friends..

EnigmaFan said...

er.. just one doubt, does your girlfriend know this?

Bhargav said...

@Enigmafan: Uh..Huh... Could you please let me know who my girlfriend is??? (My would-be girlfriend (I feel sorry for that lass),would need to read this post and meet up to the expectations before she officially becomes my girlfriend..)

Abhishek said...

Amazing post i ever saw from you.
!!!!

Me is reporting police now.
U is behind bars tmrw.
U price decreases to 0 after that.

Howzzat!? :D

Good one man!

Bhargav said...

@Abhishek: You is reporting to police. Police come, police put me behind bars. Me become big politician then. Me get more money. Me also make more money apart from father in law's money. Me buy AP and Karnataka then.
Me says thanks to you for reporting to police.

Abhishek said...

@Bhargav,

While(i get money)//loop
[[[[
Me saying no need of thanks from you
Me asking 50-50 in it
Me threatening that I show proof to police
if me get money, break out.
or else u again behind bars.
U come out .. u make money etc etc
u saying me thanks
loop repeats! i dont mindu
]]]]

Abhishek said...

That was a PJ from me..
U dont worry.. :D :D
Go ahead and earn moeny! :P

ashwini said...

HaaaHaaaHaaa thats d most hilarious piece of blog i've ever seen!!! :D :D :D
Hmmmm by the way are you trying to give me, smit n sudhi to find someone REDDY sorry READY to invest in you??????? ;-) ;-)

If only we knew which planet she is on... :P

sibin said...

Apart from the base value you have estimated for u being an Engineer, the rest is digestible. :-)

Bhargav said...

@Ashwini: Aaa thanku thanku... I'll give you guys a generous treat in CTR which consists of 2/3 coffee if you find a person willing to pay this amount to me..

@Sibin: Maga, i agree with you that we are third class engineers, but the dumb Father in law wont know that..So, JAMAISU... :) :)

Vallabha said...

I better redeem all my stocks and invest in Bhargav Inc [:D]

sagar said...

now...dat was 1 heck of a market value analysis
u got into n MBA n dat adds cool 5cr more..
man,u shud fwd dis to apni ethics wali or dat notorious feminist of our coll..
its all abt money, money :)

pallavi said...

very optimistic blog friend. bt dnt wait too long fr the right price to cum....